weight has dropped, going to have a blood test and bone density test. already had osteopenia previously.
not intentionally losing weight,but it happened as i was trying to gain.. dont want to lose further, yet scared to gain back fat.

so i heard abt the marie claire acrticle on healthy living bloggers and how they contribute to eds, ...my 1st thoughts: these bloggers are too fat to be to inspire eds,

but there r other healthy bloggers hu do...fact: there r overlapping behaviours between eds and healthy living...watever, watever

now...

...i'm in a stagnant position, not regression or progressing, personally dont really care, feel like i can live my life like this n m comforatable, but again this pisses off ma dad n i cant b selfish can i?...

weight gaindoes not mean period will return, ...y does my dad keep "forcing me to gain" ...telling him i am 47 is not good forhim "u need to gain" yyy???...47 is in the normal range...i hate his comments i dont want to be around him i know he loves me so much l hate to dissapoint him he does not understand its all my fault iwan to runawaymaybe i should just not care anymore and getting fat then daddy will be happy idont knoe any more runrunrun

less snacking fr now on

...i have quit most snacks...they take up too much time and only makes me not hungry for meals...so i m trying to eat larger meals and this is not too bad but i noe dat the totoal kcals is still less than w snacks...w exams n everything going on going w/o snakcs saves me alot of time and i m less likely to delay meals or panic when i wake up late and become unable to fit in my snack...fact is, metabolism does not slow down nor yr body will start eating yr muscle if u fail to eat every 3-4 hours...since realising this, i feel that is will defo help me in terms of eating in scool. i am also so particular abt eating evey 3 hrs and sometimes this makes mealtimes clash w lesson times and i carry my lunch and eat in class and this kinda sucks cus ppl always ask wat is dat u r eating plus i feel self concious plus the smell+ eating n doing work like math is annoying....so now i think i can just eat during breaks even if its been less or more than 3 hours since my last meal
as long as i m getting my kcals, there should be no problemo...

wat i ate yesterday:
10 eggwhites
5 sashimi
diet hot cocoa
3 diabetic cookies
soy milk and protein powder
a tablespoon almond butter
a tablespoon avocado
5 almonds
and threw away my plate of fried noodles and deep fried battered fish at the gathering...i wanted b able to eat at the gathering...so i thought if i eat less in the day i could allow myself to eat at the gathering w/o freaking out...but despite so, i could not bring myself to eat the catered food...i am realising that as long as yr macros for the day r ok, it does not really matter if the food is clean or "dirty"...carb is carb weather white or brown...i'm trying to rid of this clean dirty food thing since i know it does not affect my body composition( not talking abt health here) ...

2 more papers to go...
...out the whole day tomorrow w family and relatives...anxious abt the food big time...thinking abt eating less today?....now eating full breakfast...

normal vs healthy

recovery = healthy or normal?
because
normal ≠ healthy ...
and...
what is the baseline for normal?

counting...

starting to calorie count so that i know that i am eating enough + some to gain weight...i dont really like this cus it takes up alot of time and i have exams coming up..never really count usually as 1)dont really want to know scared to really know how much i;m eating. same reason i refuse to have a proper food journal 2) like adding the cals for stuff like soy sauce garlic and such stuff like really made me annoyed like y is there cals in everything!!!!!.............

...life is so crap at the moment

5 minss ago

its ridiculous people have anrexia, u look atppl in 3rd world, they have to starve, they have famine. it is bcause we have everything that's why...how long more u tell me how long more until u r old?...u go and look at all those people w anoreixa, i dont know y u admire them(wth, where diddaddy get this from?...absolute rubbish), think they r so glamorous, don't u dare fight with me u r not allow to go to the gym tell u so thin wat is the pointof going to the gym...what u r sdoing is folly...

worst dinner ever...

pressure

last night mydad wanted to weigh me and i refused and refused...i knw my weight has dropped and it would be freaking chaotic if my dad saw my weight...and i know he will force ensure to me which will cause alot of tension and i cant deal with dat esp. now, he kept saying u r chrnic alreadly and u r so skinny...which is so not true, he is the only person commenting my me being thin and when it comes from him it just makes me uncomforable, like i always try to dress fatter w my dad so he wont make such comments....and i feel like i am always under scrutiny by him,

i hate that the scale says i'm 45 but i look fatter that 45,...i think this is 1 of my biggest hurdle....sometimes i get tat"watever, just get fat, daddy will be happy"...i do wnnna gain, like i m not that affected my nos on the scale but moire by how i look in the mirror...my bottom half is like so much more bigger than my upper body and i worry that if i gain i would gain more on my leges which is completely unnessasry and i am not kidding yself cus my jeans fit exactly so defo not me being dsymorpic or some crap...

i wish i could turn back the clock so i never have ano in the 1st place...need to study(y m i not smart?)...such a freaking whiner stop complaining and complaining and actually do something man....

wat a fatty dinner had 7 prawns w freakin fatty curry allover it and cabbage dripping in oil it made my lips soo oily gross and oil dressed salad and white rice...i'm angry that daddy felt i did not eat enough when i felt like i ate normal portions and how hard it was for me to not freak out and break down and eat...i know he wants me to be able ti eat anything n everything but its not that easy and it wn't happen, he cant see that i pushed myself...i love my dad but we r on such diff levels

my breakfast ended at abt 10.42...its abt 3.15 now n i starting lunch,...not al all hungry...actually kinda full, but eat anyway, is there even a choice...i wanna eat later. but then it'llscrew up the rest of the day meals...out for dinner 2nite...freaking out abt that...

i m annoyed at ppl who can have a healthy bmi and yet still be skinny...

"how long, how long" that's wat my dad said to me 1st thing this morning...he says i look thinner....i know i m but i still look not normal...45kg now but i look so unskinny already i dont dare to gain or i will look alot bigger...its nt fair, if i'm underswight at least let me look skinny so that i wont be fat went i am at a normal weight....i'm such as ass for the shit i cause t daddy

lousy...

many peeps w eds r like hardworking and determined and stuff...n like smart(do well in sch), artsy fartsy, creative blah blah blah....but i am like sososo lazy and not determined and dump and not artsy...i want to do well in school but i am such a lazy ass and giveup too easily and i lovelovelovveeee art but i completely suck at it...and all i do is complain dat sch is hard and be critical and judgemental abt almost everythinng....i feel like i dont have the eds chacteristics in terms of the positive stuff (hardwking..etc)...these r the stuff that i wish i was....at the v least, i can excel in something....i have no grades, written wk, art piece, performance watevs to show that i m doing well in something....

....so i so should be studying now but i'm not...den i wait till the last minute and then stress myself out and its all my own fault like y cant i be determined?>.....i want to top my class ....dream on....

thats all i do, dream and fantazise w/o action.dumb

body...

i have always since v.v.v young like to be skinny...and i suppose when i was 11/12 yrs old, i stopped track and field because of major PSLE exam and then realised i cannot eat as much as i was or i cannot be skinny and then i think i was most concerned w making sure dat i had a flat tummy so lotsa crazy situp i think i was doing like 1000 a day?!?....thhheenn much later.i realise i cant be tinytiny and eat alot so i decided that in that case and i wanted a muscular body...i guess wat i dont want is a soft body a curvy body a fleshy body...and if i want a muscular body then i learn that i cant not eat or starve myself so i eat but i am sosososo cautious w what i put into my mouth...

... dont know if what i m doing is wrong is it any different then wanting to be v.v. small?...like there r so many ladies who train hard like those fitness models and gymast and they r not skinnyskinny but they also muscular w little body fat .... they surely do not starve but sruely have strict diet to adhere....so if its ok for them then nothing rong if i want to acheive the same body rite?...confusionconfusion

yog

...so w the youth olympics going on, i cant help but feel so jealous of the bodies of soamny of the atheletes...i see the gymast, divers, runners and i feel envy that they have such grt toned muscular bodies...and i think: i want that too!, i wonder what they eat, ...etc...

treatment team...

i dont trust my psychiatrist i dont trust the psychologist i dont trust the dietitian in fact i hate hate the dietitian...the psychologist is nice but i cant tell her everything although she says "private n confidential" but then she also says "but if i think u said anything impt or suicidal(come on i wont everrr) then she will record it the file" and the file is for all the treatment ppl so dat means nothing i say is really p&c, how would i know which prt of what i say gets written down?!?...so dat means its all rubbish....
dietitian is horribbbbleee, she knows i hate her knows i dont want to see her knows i asked to change dietitian but somehow its always her...
i wish i could trust them and bare it all out to them but i cant

yesterday

so buffet i ate sashimi(~7 pieces salmon n tuna)+3prawns+4 mussels+1 baby lobster+~13 cherry tomatoes+salad leaves+pickled ginger balsamic vinegar white wine vinegar soy sauce...like i dont feel terrible w wat i ate i was completely aware that i avoided the carbs cus they were "unhealthy" ones like white and butterfied and that i avoided the more oilier cooked stuff like charsiewchilean seabass and i wish i did try cus i wanted to but i was scared that i would be too consumed abt how unhealthy itwas after eating it and thus cannot eat anything esle+messes w my mind the whole nite n today so altogether skipped it...
....like did i do anything wrong?...i dont know...i stuck to the "clean" foods only...is that ok?...then on the way home i kept thinking if i ate too much but i think not....i think i regret eating less during the day to prepare for the buffet but if i did not eat less yesterday during the day i doubt i could handle dinner cus i was telling myself its ok to eat more cus u ate lesser in the day...i should go study now

buffet

....going out for dinner in a few minutes... buffet...actually less anxious as can choose wat to eat....but still i totally lowered food intake today...wth man i want to have a fast meta should not be doing this ...anyway hope all goeswell

meal plan

....problem w the meal plan is dat i can't wake up late......sometimes i want to sleep till like 10,11,12...buutt cannot, cant squeeze in all the meals,....this is dumb.

when i wake up late, i worry abt how t0 squeeze in all meals so usually end up skipping 1 snack ....nnnnnnn all cus of meal plan ...but den like no meal plan sucks too cus den i wont know how much to eat/when/what....==constant thoughts abt how/when/what to eat=cant focus on anything else

yesterday friday slept like at 1.30am today woke at almost 10am, so...already 1 snack gone....must i always need towake up early?which means always have to sleep earlier or b like zombie which happens so often just cus i wake up early so all meals r in.....

to gain

gaining back lost weight....

pros:

1. daddy happy, less worried/burden
2. less anxious to c doctor
3. period???

cons

1. decreased self confidence
2. constant focus on how fat i am
3. hate myself feel like crap random crying
4. increase anti socialness
5. clothes(jeans) dont fit...
6. ppl's comments???
7. no period (dont noe if i want it...)

...honestly i feel alot more confident+better abt myself at this size than when i was at 49kg which i felt like carop all the time and cried and cried and was unable to concentrate on anything at all....this is shit i still have to gain anyway...

i hate my life....

...i love my dad, but some times i just want to punch him in the face....its like he says certain stuff on purpose to mkae things difficult for me...like how do i ans that?....like we were eating dinner in fron tof the tv and it was a reality show abt buffet places, and they were showing some dessert buffet...and daddy says out loudly that "jam will never enjoy all these food like normal ppl" and then ask me the address of this buffet place so that he can take my younger bro there on mon....its like he is spite-ting me...i wanted to say: yep, i wont ever enjoy those desserts because i know how harmful they are to my health and i cant eat them w/o think abt all the related diseases. i am happy that my tastebuds veer towards healthier foods. now can u stop w those comments??...

....bye gor, cu soon

my elder bro flew off this morning to the states...he'll graduate end of the yr....i could not ask for a better elder brother...he loves me and help me w sch /computer basically anything i need help w...ok, so i do get annoyed by guy habits like always taking a new cup instead of just washing yr own cup....butbut these all r so minute things compared to wat a horrible sister i am....

sometimes i wonder if he feels pressured to be "good"...because he is quite sacrificial and would make decisions that benefit others....i just want the best for him...i want my brother to be happy and never be burden by family matters...he totally deserve to be happy....and feel loved...yup, i jus realise that my brother may not feel loved, esp by me(who is so v self focused)...ok,mayb i should make an effort to show love n concern for him, mayb i should have thought of this when he was still here!....

....fun stuff:gor is v funny, introduced me to many awesome shows(office, criminal minds family guy...)see u on sykpe soon!!!...

class bbq

the good...i actually didi go for my class bbq...bad?, did not eat a thing, not even fruits...i already packed my dinner, i was prepared to not eat bbq foods, i knew all the food was drenched in butter and i could never bring myself to eat it or if i ate it i would find te following hours/days unbearable and unable to focus on the n0w...i did not feel bad or like my eatinghabits was in the way as i knew i still eating my dinner, this dinner was ok and hence i was able to have fun w the ppl there...

seee.....this is where the problem is, was my actions rite or wrong?...i couldn't eat butterfied food but i knew this was goig to happen and brought dinner...i didi not isolate myself, went n participated...sooooooo, its like i think i am ok w this but like if daddy knew this he would b upset and say i have a prob...wonder wat my psychiatrist would say( though no chance i would tell her...dont trust her enough)

i feel like i have done nothing wrong but still someow made to feel guilty cus i was anorexic...idontknow...my probs r so "fluff", not really real...idont know

eating in class...

i think eating has become too "important" in my life, it seems to be given priority over so many other stuff in my life that deserve more attention...like lessons runs fr 12-4pm, classmates just eat lunch earlier or no lunch and just snack around...me, cant have lucnh eaarlier cus snack around 11am, eats lunch during lesson---dont really like this cus i cant concentrate on te lesson, ppl r like hey what's that u're eating, food=smell in class....its so odd, teacher teaching and here i am eating luunch with fork and spoon...i hate it when i have activities and they clash w my eating times, annoying and frustrating...

...i dont dare to skip a meal now, but its cus i think i my metabolism will slow down and dat = fat so i refuse to miss a meal,...but this can really get in the way of life, cant always have time to eat properly, esp in sch, its uncomfortable to eat 4/5 lunch everywk during class...it attracts unwanted attention....




i dont want to live like this forever yet i m afraid to let go...

i get that inception is an awesome movie, i liked it too...but ppl need to STOP HYPING IT !...

...3guys

as much as i love my brothers and daddy...i cant stand living w 3 males in the house...i get annoyed by thier habits...they cant read ppl...they r dirty...messy and i often cleanup after them...i dont mind cleaning up, its just....dont noe how to explain...ihateboys

shallow

i am shallow...i do judge ppl by their appearance. i put a lot of emphasis on how i look....i have double standards...what i consider reasonable body size for others is not enough for me...i want more than reasonable, i'm so scared to loose my body size...
y?...y do i care so much abt how i look?...because i know ppl do judge others by appearance...i;m don't want ppl to think negative of me?...i want them to be jealous of me?...
my shallowness is holding me back...i compare myself to everyone, i just pissed off myself when i do not look as good as others...i get happy when ppl notice my hardwk("yr arms r so muscular, nice!")-isthisbadisthisbad?(most ppl will be happy too?)

i just wish i was not so shallow...if i would just stop worring abt how i look..

facebk

...so, just viewed pictures of ppl i know fr sch and have not met in a long time...nnn they look thinner+pretty+happy+fun+social life...notfair...

inception

just saw inception w my elder bro...like BEST MOVIE EVERRR!...)u have to follow the story as it goes or the movie make zero sense)...awesome stuff...

my thoughts this morning...

y do i have to feel so guilty to ask to go to the supermarket??....i am not doing anythong wrong rite?icant wait to learn how to driveso i can go w/0 all the annoying feelings...


i should just die i hate causing my daddy so much burden...cant think of any reason y daddy will like if notthat i am his daughter...i don't bring joy to anoe in my family...i should just leave...

i think that on a day to day basis, daddy will be alot more joyful w/o me, mayb i should not live w my family...i feel i'm not 100% me...i'm either a bloody annoying spoilt paranoid ass or i'm super cautious abt my movements and what i say n how i come across...or maybe i just really am a v paranoid spoilt self centred loser.

appointment yesterday

i was "glad" that daddy could not make it to the appointment...y?, cus i dropped weight, a small amt, but i do not want to worry daddy, make him upset, increase his burden...i told him weight stayed the same, he has so much on his plate i CANNOT allow me to make things worse...

thing is, i cant see myself any larger...the last time at my higher weight, i was so depressed+upset+pissed n all, cried all the time, hated how i look, it was such horrible horrible feelings i do not want to xperience again...

during the appointment , there was a trainee doc w the psychiatrist, and doc made him tell me cons of amenorrhoea....which i have heard like a zillion timesss..........but it does not worry me i dont know y....most times i dont want my period back as periods make me fel uncomfortable and too self concious...

dinner just, appointment 2morrow

so dinner just... bad experience w daddy...i just feel terrible...he also said i dont think u have made any improvement, well, i dont get him. my mhw has been met, why does he keep wanting me to gain and gain and gain...

again worried 4 2morrow's weighin...lame worries: sch ends at 9am(8-9)(dont want to go cus sch is like 1 hour away-but cant cus my attendence is pretty bad(never absent, just late enuff to be marked absent-fussy teacher!)and i dont want to be barred fr exams), so i should come home 1st b4 going 4 appointment at 2.30. BUT that means more walking=lower weigh in?...so stay in sch till like 2 den go straight for appointment(but sch has nothing to do, i hate hanging around in sch)...den lunch packed, eaten at sch?but that means after eating i need travel to hospital so weight will be lower, so eat at hospital so food is still in me=higher weight?...

...i am blanking everything out ...avoidingavoidingavoiding...

...am a freaking disappointment burdensome selfcentred crap shit

I HHATE MY GRANDMA WAT IS HER IDIOTIC SHIT ASS PROBLEM HOW ANY TIME MUST I REPEAT MYSELF I HOPW SHE DIES I DONT CARE SHE IS DRIVING ME MAD I HATE HERI HATE HER DIE DIE DIE GET LOST WHAT IS HER PROB SHE MAKES ME MADMAMDMADMAMDIHATEUDOIEIDIEID

FEEL LIKE I M TALKING TO A WALL, A STUDIP ASS WALL THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY///...

DIE

my sore throat seems to be alot better....coming weds is next weigh in...again worried nervojus scared...dont want them to take exercise away fr me...i defo need more fat in my diet...

i hate my FAT LEGS FATFATFAT......why is my upper body skinny but my lower body so frewakinmg ginormous...no matter wat exercise i do my thighs and calves r giant...sucks...makes me feel crap abt myself...one reason i am sacred to gain?...dont want my legs any larger...already so disproportionate...

confusion

..is there a real difference between healthy eating and eating disorderdly??...
say u order dressing on the side, there is nothing wrong w that right?...i just dont want to consume unhealthy fats and excessive sugar...is that wrong?...when i visited the national health promotion board site, it encourages people to order food w less gravy, choose steamed/boil/grilled items, etc...does it mean that u have a ed if u order healthy?...if a person has/had an ed, are they never allowed to order healthy?...

in other news, i am super duper excited for 2nite's world cup finals!...its like at 2.30am and CANT WAIT. lots of peeps coming over. daddy's friends and my friends. my friends are coming at 12am cus that is the last train. then they will sleep in the hall and we will go sch2gether. and school starts at 8AM!..butbutbut, world cup once in 4 yrs!...

i am seeing a new psychiatrist since the previous one has left the hospital. i do not like this new phychaistrist. well, i did not like the previous one but i dislike this one more. sometimes, i feel like i want to voice my fears of weight gain+reasons i do not want to gain...but it seems like she is not interested in this at all. all she is concern abt is my weight. all the questioning revolved the weight "drop"(its not even real cus i drank like 2L of water the last time)....wateverwatverwatever

i am comparing all the freaking time...i am surrounded by naturally thin girls and girls with arwsome slim lean legs and i get bloody annoyed/pissy/jealous.i think: not fair!, how come thet can have nice legs w/o doing much?...i want that too...no matter what i do my legs are ugly large...this sucks...

glad that spain won. they freaking DOMINATED.... cant wait 4 the finals...go kick holland's butt!

appontiment soon...

i have an appointment later...worried...the last time i was 49, which is above my given
minimum healthy weight of 47.6. btu i know the last time was a fluke because i super water loaded like mad. and i am certain i lost some weight. i DONOT WANT the scale to show my weight less than 47.6 becase it will upset my dad and cause him so so so much hurt and burden. really, that is like the only reason i do not want to fall below the line. that few extra weight onj me caused my so much self hate in terms of appeareance. i hated how cubbier my gace was, how much thicker my legs were. it was horrible. i felt terrible in my clothes. being at a healthy weight made my cranky depressed angry.
47kg is like already in the healthy range. i cant see why they make my mhw 47.6. i keep thinking that i donot have to hit the normal range because i am so so flat chested like honestly anyone who sees my chest area only would automatically say that this is a boy. no real bras ever needed, even trainiing bras are big for me. and boobs makes up quite abit of a person's weight.
i cant stand my body any larger than now, even now i have a hard time accepting my huge my legs are. that's where all my weight goes to...

so anxious right now...

friends, body

my friend who is currently back fr australia for a short holiday b4 returning for studies came over to hang out+watch world cup match b/w holland vs brazil( woot! holland won yea...sneijder da MAN)...2 other ex-ahs students who are 1yr my senior came too. had such a fun time despite me, as usual, for no real reason hoped they would not come. GLAD they came in the end...

"u r like so lean!"-such comments make me feel happy, but also the pressure to stay that way, which in itself may not be healthy....i feel like i need to keep up my appearance. i dont want to be unlean when ppl have seen me lean. then tey can compare the lean and unlean me, which would suck and i dont want to let happen. i'm so afraid of letting go this body i feel i have worked really hard for.

in unimpt news, cant wait for world cup to resume!

on30june...

...only highlighting the ++++...so at dinner daddy asked every1 to share gd points abt me. i kept thinking everyone had nothing to say and will b force to say some lame stuff. i really dont think i am a gd person at all. i am selfish lay self centred annoying spoilt rude. but they all didi say some stuff and i was kinda touched, even my youngest bro said some stuff and i appreciate it...in the end the day ended v, well....

dinner 2morrow

so, tomorrow i turn 18.NOT READY DONOTWANT 2 GROW UP YET...

daddy asked if i wanted to go out for dinner. my mind:nonononononono i just wanna eat at home i dont know what is in the food outside!... what i said:ok sure grt....he was trying to be nice. and now i am freaking out...

exercise

i am constantly having these anxious+stress+worry+fustrated feeling in my head. and i cant pinpoint it down to what exactly. i can talk laugh have conversation w others but somethin is constantly there at the back of my mind...

this no exercise restriction daddy placed on me is also driving me insane. truth, i lied and exercised this wk. but school reopens tomorrow n it is almost impossible to access the gym w/o my dad's knowledge. i honestly think that if i openly defy him and go to the gym and will personally drag me out of the gym. my thought is that he is no doctor so why should he decide if i can go to the gym?...and when i go to the gym, i ONLY do weights, i never touch cardio. its not that i want to lose weight, but i want not to be flabby. daddy thinks i exercise to be skinny.NONONNO!,

i also realised how exercise make me feel much more ready for the day. more energy, happier, liviler. i was moody, annoying(more than usual) and constantly thought of exercising. and i do think that stpping me fr exercising will cause me to lose more weight. i dont want to lose my muscles!!...

daddy says i am a exercise addict. i denied. i do not overexercise. (3x weights a wk+<30 mins of some form of cardio a wk)...

...at times, i feel like watever, no exercise then so be it. but then i think, y should i listen,he does not know a think. he keeps equating exerising = weight lost. and that is y i want to see the doc asap. a 1st!, sonce i more often delay and reschedule appointment. i konw i have lost a small amy of weight, but i know doc would allow me some exercise sinnce it is just a little below goal weight.

i hit 47kg which was bmi 18.6= normal and daddy did not let me eercise still and that pissed me big time. doc's goal weight 47.6...why daddy why?...

ok, clearly no exercise is freaking me out.... i want to scream,

older

...when i read older women w anorexia blogs, sometimes it freaks me out a little. its like its so sad that they r consumed by ed. i'm scared to end up like that. that would suck BIG TIME. now that u r young, u think its ok, i will get over it i will fight this blah blah blah...but day to day there is not much improvement. or u recover far enough to function normally, but some lingering traits of ed still held on to...

imagine in yr 30s, 40s, 50s, 60 s... and u look back on yr life, how much time was spend on thinking abt food, exercising, unsociallising, hermitted. cant let this happen cant.

...see, i say i cant let this happen, but how do it?, will i after thinking abt this be able to eat dinner freely?, not measuring my food?, i doubt so, i am 90% certain nothing will change tonight. not bothering and eating would cause too much anxiety which i would thinki would rather avoid than go though w it.

not fair!

i am so upset!...
my bmi is now 18.6, normal, BUT daddy wont let me go to the gym!...i am so angry he wants me to hit 48 but its not fair its not fair, my weight in normal what is the problem now. i am so vvvvvv angry!

dinner

last night: family gathering at a chinese restaurant. daddy sat next to me. i ate deep fried battered prawn, scallops w fried crispy garlic*3, vegs and shrooms drenched in oily sauces, shark fin soup, thick sauce abalone, sesame oil drenched jellyfish. HATED it. when to the ladies and body checked. tried to estimate kcals( assumed dinner was 1000kcals). ate night snack( contemplated 4ever if i should skip this.
how i felt: gonna gain gonna gain, my thighs are already like so freaking huge!.

my coffee

i think i just realise that exercise is like coffee. i absolutely cannot do anything esle w/o it. i have been so upppset over not being allowed to exercise that i cant even be bothered to eat. but i do eat because i need to gain 1kg and if i dont means a longer period w/o exercise and i cannot allow that i am losing it ...

maybe i should just get fat then everyone will be happy(except me) and i will not beba burden.
injust want everyone to leave me alone.

i try to refain fr vulgaritiies but i cant now, i hate me fucking fucking like . i shlould just fucking fdie anddie.

dont want ro gain

its freaking hard to be cornered to gain weight when u r normal looking already.....

hatemylife

i honestly dont know what to think. i truly feel that i do not have anorexia. but i know how i eat fustrates my dad and are stuff him and my brothers wont eat. but again, they r unhealthy eaters and i know i am not retricting but am eating healthily.
i am v angry thhat daddy isnt allowing me any access to the gym at all. he thinks that by doing so i will put on weight. he claims i am overexercising which i am NOT. my total max cardio a wk is like 1 hour?, and the i mostly do the weights because i m not trying to lose weight and i really enjoy the after feeling. when i completely did not exercise, i really had trouble eating well, and i know that if i see the phychatrist now, some form of exercise will be allowed. i tried to get an earlier appointment bcus I WANT TO EXERCISE and going w/o exercise it freaking messing w my mind!...all i do is cry and think of exercise. daddy keeps saying if u really want to recover, u will take this w a good attitiude. he expects me to be not bitter abt this.
i am struggling alot inside that i cant tell him/anyone. he will not understand. when i tried to tell him that ...
I WANT TO SREAM NOW DADDT IS BACK !!!!!!

i can see that my dad is lsing his mind verme he wants me to be 100% well,but does not know how, and puts restrictions n me and i myself is am losing my mind. i keep thinking he is going to hit me or something. he does not understand how i really feel, cant know how to explain to him. i hate this. he went out, i went to the gym,just came back. like now that i got my exercise in, i can function normally, if not , i cant bloody do anything w/o crying/stompingg/anxious/freaking/losing my freakin mind.

my eyes cant open fully cus i cried like ridiculous last night. iwanna go gym now!!!!!!.......i hate this i cant function iwanna exercise i hate this t=i hate this i cant think straight

daddy banned me fr exercising and i am so angry and piseede and anxiousa and mad and sad andlossing my mind icant take it i cant take it i cant take it how am i going to live 2morrow, i will lose my mid i can teat thinbk i need exercise pissed

"heavy dinner"

last night, i had 2 saba fish fillet among other things for dinner. saba is a naturally oily fish. i have always loved oily fish. well, yesterday, i found the fish really oily and hard to stomach. but i ate all. then, i could not help myself, check the nutrition profile online, learned that the this fish alone was 500kcals. freaked. what!......i think: ate 500kcals + other stuff. omgomg...i wonder how many kcals was dinner. consequently, i could not focus on studying for my test this morning.

various thoughts that flooded my mind throughtout the night: all the food eaten that day, does it balance out?, should i skip night snack?, cut, cut cut!, i totally should not have eaten 2 fillets!, maybe i can exercise more 2morrow?...

then, i kept lifting mt shirt in front of the mirror, is my body ok?, i want to be lean!,

in the end, ate night snack, spilled some of it, was secretly happy. even threw in a bit of exercise, but also kept think no point as i'm not going to burn much anyway. (if only i knew how to puke, i can get rid of all my anxiety and go bACK TO FOCUSING MY MY STUDY)-(or do i really, do it once, u might do it twice...)

the thing is, i have always eaten saba, and well nothing really happened to me. i think i might be going backwards...
STUPID STUPID STUPID DUMB DUMB, these food thought are freaking annoying.

1.5 hours ago...

i came home fr the gym, my dad: i dont know what to do w u, i can see that u r losing weight, u r allowed to exercise on the count that you gain weight. it is ridiculous to wake up earlt to exercise when u sleep so late. u see the way u eat, u r isolating everyone fr u. have u got yr period back yet. why do u want to go against nature. it is against nature u know right.

Me: slience. In my mind: i'm sorry i'm sorry i dont want to burden u at all. its just, exersize keeps my anxiety at bay. if i dont exercise, i will feel so anxious i cant concentrate on doing anythinh esls. esp. nw, exam time. please do not thinki over exercise. i do not think it is wrong to wake up earlier to exercise. i dont even do any cardio, only weights. i havent got my period. please dont force me to stop.

i want to tell him how i felt but i always keep silent. i doubt my dad understands. we r on diff wavelengths. i think any form of exercise = bad for him. please understand. i know i need to eat more. i will i iwll

just right now.

if only i spent the time i cried studying...i so relatives came over at dinner time, i was unhappy cus ihave a test 2morrow and i wanted the house to b quiet. i did not need anxiety, food thoughts today. i had 2 fillts of oily snow fish + a crab claw + tomatoes. i felt unforably full. havent felt like that in forever. all i could think was if only i knew how to force puke, i can get rid of this food anxiety and concentrate studying. i still feel full, i am hating this. alot lots alotalot...i need to concntrate on studying, y o y do ppl visit me NOW of all times, no time to psych myself up 4 unsafe food amt social stuff.

i hate everything...

pisseddPISSEDDDDD off. angry. anhgry. self centred idiot. lonely selfish selfish controling madmad mad

society

i am affected by magazines, tvs, media etc. this embracing normal and plus sized model thing, it seems so insincere. if there is a fashion spread on normal or plus sized ppl like crystal reinn, everyone is like: oh she look damn gd; gorgeous etc. BUT would they themselve be willing to let themselves reach crystal reinn's figure?...i doubt so...they say she's lookin great but deeep down, they wont let themselves become as "plump".

so, ultimately, society still like skinny better. boo

liar

i lied.
family gathering. looked at the food, thinks: why is everything so oily. i cant eat anything here. if i eat, i will breakdown. i wont be able to concentrate on my studies later. skipskipskip.what i did: took a playe, took a bit of food to make it look as if i have eaten. walk to the living room w the plate say: i've eaten already when asked to eat more. told dad i had to go home to study.

home: hungry, ate food. study, night snack. sleep


i really cant handle outside food.

thinking...

everytime i tell meself i want to give this up, something stops me.
what r these things that stop me?.

my own reflection. i see myself and how hard i wk to get this bdy( not that it is my dream body, but the effects of my exercise on my body), and then i find it hard to let go. atfter all these effort u r just going to let yr body go soft?...nonono...i am so scared of lsing my body, letting my bodygo.
clothes, afraid i wont fit in them nicely. because skinny always sem to look better i clothes. skinny can where a greater variety og clothes. looking nice in clothes makes me feel god abt myself.

paranoid???

if a utensil at home was used for any food that i will not eat, then i wont use that utensil. i have my own sponge was washing dishes cus i worry that the sponge was already used to wash utensils that had food i wont eat and the food may be transported via the sponge onto my own untensils.

sometimes i feel that this is so stupid and my gosh GET OVER IT. it would save me a lot of hassle. alot alot alot. then, i think i just want to be absoultely sure i dont ingest "non-me foods". bah.

when we eat out, sometimes i can ignore this and eat w/o thinking abt the "contamination". other times, i do think abt it as i eat BUT always still eat as my dad does not know that i actually seperate utensils at home.

i dont even dare to buy "me" foods in school cus it may have touched others i wont eat food, or made w utensils used on non me food. this is crazy

once again

i wish i :

am super suoer lean
w awsome legs
and arms and abs
that is all i want...

not wrong right???....

yesterday

i was so antsy yesterday, then we reached the place and it was closed and i was so "happy". "yeah, dont have to worry abt eating foods i wont eat mostly". i dont know is this right or wrong. then we ended up eating a a hawker centre and seafood pasta and i asked for less pasta and i knew i should not i think?, i am always scared that they give alot and that daddy will be angry if i dont finish my food and i dont want him to be angry so i asked for less. and even then, i worried if the less would be less enough. and when the food came i thought"what oily tomato sauce!" but ate still cus i just didi not want to upset anyone. daddy was upset when he noticed the way i was looking athe menu, so i COULD NOT MAKE THINGS worse .

...right now

i am so anxious,angry, nervous , abt to cry, holding it all in.
daddy is bring us to a place to eat where ho knows i will have nothing to eat...yyyyyyyyy...scared cant take i want to cry now...

stuck

checklist

i saw this list of anorexia symptoms on a blog and decided to check them against myself. i am doing this base on me NOW, not in the past.

• refusal to eat(nope, but i am selective)
  
• intense fear of gaining weight(nope, but i only want to gain muscle weight)
  
• distorted or negative self-image(not distorted, but neg)
  
• low blood pressure(depends)
• dry skin(don't think so)
  
• lanugo (soft, downy hair covering the body)(i do have hairy arms...but i think its genetics for me)
• sensitivity to cold(nope, don't get any more cold than others)
  
• fainting/dizziness(nope)
• irregular heart rhythm
• brittle nails
• dehydration
• hair loss/brittleness(this has decreased greatly)
  
• loss of menstruation(true)
• swelling of arms/legs(dont think so)
  
• social withdrawal(hmm...depends really)
  
• depressed mood(sometimes)
• denial of hunger(not really)
  
• irritability(true)
• osteoporosis(nope)
• osteopenia(i do have thin bones)
  
• heart failure(nope)
  
• reduced interest in sex(i believe in abstinence!!!)
  
• excessive exercise(hmmm, mayb not excessive, but i feel v.v.v. uncomfortable when i miss a session)
  
• repeated weighing of self(nope)
• cooking for others but doesn't eat the meal themselves(well, i dont eat meat or chick but do cook them for my brother and dad)
  
• spitting food out after chewing(almost never)
  
• rigid food rituals (cutting into tiny pieces, moving food around plate,etc)(eating slowlly counts?)
  
• complains of being fat(yep)
• skipping meals(nope)
• not wanting to eat in public(depends where)
  
• obsession with calories(not obsession, but i am somewhat aware)
  
• constipation(nope)
• fatigue(yep)
• arthritis(no i think?)
  
• insomnia(nope)
• easily bruises(no?)
  
• dramatic weight loss/relatively short period of time(nope)
• food restriction/self-starvation(defo no starvation, restriction...depends on how u see it)
  
• malnutrition(i highly doubt so)
  
• electrolyte imbalances(no clue)
  
• muscle atrophy(hope not!!!)
  
• paralysis transient (or temporary)(no)
• kidney disease/failure(n0)
• stroke(no)

...i have way more negative than positive , CANT BE ANOREXIcC, y am i still diagnosed as such?!!?!?!...


Read more: http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.com/2010/05/what-is-eating-disorder-signs-symptoms.html#ixzz0oQb6xIKv

real

media nowadays, they r clearly trying to show that they embrace curvy and normal sized girls. often, women would say like, "she is not fat", "she looks totally normal", "she looks so much better now with more weight" and the likes, but what they really think is i cant let myself reach her size.

it just seems like so much of this embracing is not really real. but i do want it to be real. because when i can see that it's real, then i think i will be more accepting of how i look.

how i really feel

i feel that saying that anorexia is a mental illness is such a cop out. i feel like its saying alcoholism, gambling or drug addiction are legit mental illness. its so bull!...


n why y must there always be some deeper issues?...like control( always control!!!), lack of attention, fear blah blah blah...y cant it be shallow reasons?...like wanting to look grt?...


sometimes, i get the impression that some ppl use these deeper issues as excuses to cover up their vanity.


if u r fat and try to eat healthy, no one says a thing. or maybe people praise like good for u!
if u r thin and try to eat healthy, its a different story. why r u not eating? (healthy food=not eating???)
at doctors': fat person says "i learn to control my food portions"=thumbs up fr doc.
not fat person says" i learn to control my food portions"=why? control issues?...etc etc...


psychologist: "u r not an anorexic, u suffer from anorexia"-that just sound so fluff, its like saying u r not an alcoholic, u just like alcohol a litttle way too much.

done.

off my mind...abt a girl

see, there is this girl in my class, X. we r friends. she had anorexia and considers herself recovered. i find myself being "competitive" w her and always judging her secretly. the other day,i saw her eat lunch, which was steamed egg + 2vegs+pumpkin. right away my mind pissed! r u serious i thought, purleaze, u r NOT RECOVERED. but i kept the comments only in my mind.
gtg to school now, guess i will continue laterrrrr

eating out

i am going out for dinner tonight and i inside i am anxious. my activity level was reduced today(usually i take the public transport but my dad offered to drive...) and i am worried now. there is no way out if this.

i should :

focus on spending time w the family,
not cry secretly


i hate this, its too taxing on my mind.

anorexia was easier

i have been thinking abt this alot..

it is easier when you are blinded by anorexia then when when u are aware of it.

i realised that at the start when i was developing anorexia, it was like the development of a way of living. for example, doing a particular exercise routine the 1st thing every morning was just a way i was living. the thought of not doing so never crossed my mind. the thought that this was not normal never crossed my mind. the thought that this was wrong never ever crossed my mind. it was like brushing teeth, u just do it, no questions.

however, when i was in recovery, this meant i learn that doing this particular set of exercises upon waking everyday was not normal and normal was to wake up and brush my teeth ONLY without excessive movement as i brushed. so then there was an alternative way to do things. this made living difficult because everything had 2 ways of being carried out and i it was a struggle to choose the right way.like, i may want to consume 1/2 of this food but the alternative was to eat all of it. i became aware of this alternative that i never knew existed when i was anorexic.

no alternatives made living easier. i cant ever go back to being blindly anorexic since i am now aware of the alternatives and therefore there will always be a choice. but i can do only the alternatives until the alternatives becomes the only way i think of doing things so there is no more choices to make. meaning, i can keeping choosing to brush teeth only without exercising until exercising while brushing does not even cross my mind.

what my brain thinks and should think at various stages:

i wonder if

i am studying a course in nutrition. is the because i am truly zealously passionate abt healthy living or is the a manifestation of my eating issues. if i never ever had anorexia, would i be studying nutrition?...

gd brother, bad sister

my elder brother is back fr michigan for the term break. he is the best kind of brother ever. he is the type of person u cant hate. just way too nice, friendly, funny, polite and caring. well, today, he asked if i was free on saturday, so we could go hang out. immediately, my mind thinks: Saturday is the day i clean the house and prepare my food for school (more on this next time...). going out on sat also means i will be eating out. shoot, i dont want to eat out!. i want to eat at home!!!

here my brother is trying to get some time to spend time with his sister he have not seen in abt 6 months. and here i am, freaking(in my head) about food and thinking how to convince him not to go out. really, this is not the way to live. i said somrthng like needing to study and sch projects to deal with, and i know this is not really true. i love my brother dearly and i want to hang out with him, but i want to know what i am going to eat.

divulging abit of myself...

hi,
i suppose i created this blog because i seek support for certain issues i desperately want to get over and move on w life. its hard to find ppl who can relate in the real world. i act like everything is getting better. i laugh, talk, eat, go to school. but i dont want this to be an act, i yearn my inside match outside. (gosh, sounds so emoish.)

i had anorexia at 12. then abt 2 yrs ago, doctor said i relapse. today, i am supposedly in recovery, but i cant really believe i relasped. i question this all the time. this time round, my weight never plummeted like before, i never stave myself. i look too normal and unskinny. but i guess i have food+exercise+extreme body hate issues to deal with. and no period for 2 years, this is something i feel ambiguous towards...more on this in future...

18 this yr. dont want to grow up!...i need to get a real life.