5 minss ago

its ridiculous people have anrexia, u look atppl in 3rd world, they have to starve, they have famine. it is bcause we have everything that's why...how long more u tell me how long more until u r old?...u go and look at all those people w anoreixa, i dont know y u admire them(wth, where diddaddy get this from?...absolute rubbish), think they r so glamorous, don't u dare fight with me u r not allow to go to the gym tell u so thin wat is the pointof going to the gym...what u r sdoing is folly...

worst dinner ever...

pressure

last night mydad wanted to weigh me and i refused and refused...i knw my weight has dropped and it would be freaking chaotic if my dad saw my weight...and i know he will force ensure to me which will cause alot of tension and i cant deal with dat esp. now, he kept saying u r chrnic alreadly and u r so skinny...which is so not true, he is the only person commenting my me being thin and when it comes from him it just makes me uncomforable, like i always try to dress fatter w my dad so he wont make such comments....and i feel like i am always under scrutiny by him,

i hate that the scale says i'm 45 but i look fatter that 45,...i think this is 1 of my biggest hurdle....sometimes i get tat"watever, just get fat, daddy will be happy"...i do wnnna gain, like i m not that affected my nos on the scale but moire by how i look in the mirror...my bottom half is like so much more bigger than my upper body and i worry that if i gain i would gain more on my leges which is completely unnessasry and i am not kidding yself cus my jeans fit exactly so defo not me being dsymorpic or some crap...

i wish i could turn back the clock so i never have ano in the 1st place...need to study(y m i not smart?)...such a freaking whiner stop complaining and complaining and actually do something man....

wat a fatty dinner had 7 prawns w freakin fatty curry allover it and cabbage dripping in oil it made my lips soo oily gross and oil dressed salad and white rice...i'm angry that daddy felt i did not eat enough when i felt like i ate normal portions and how hard it was for me to not freak out and break down and eat...i know he wants me to be able ti eat anything n everything but its not that easy and it wn't happen, he cant see that i pushed myself...i love my dad but we r on such diff levels

my breakfast ended at abt 10.42...its abt 3.15 now n i starting lunch,...not al all hungry...actually kinda full, but eat anyway, is there even a choice...i wanna eat later. but then it'llscrew up the rest of the day meals...out for dinner 2nite...freaking out abt that...

i m annoyed at ppl who can have a healthy bmi and yet still be skinny...

"how long, how long" that's wat my dad said to me 1st thing this morning...he says i look thinner....i know i m but i still look not normal...45kg now but i look so unskinny already i dont dare to gain or i will look alot bigger...its nt fair, if i'm underswight at least let me look skinny so that i wont be fat went i am at a normal weight....i'm such as ass for the shit i cause t daddy

lousy...

many peeps w eds r like hardworking and determined and stuff...n like smart(do well in sch), artsy fartsy, creative blah blah blah....but i am like sososo lazy and not determined and dump and not artsy...i want to do well in school but i am such a lazy ass and giveup too easily and i lovelovelovveeee art but i completely suck at it...and all i do is complain dat sch is hard and be critical and judgemental abt almost everythinng....i feel like i dont have the eds chacteristics in terms of the positive stuff (hardwking..etc)...these r the stuff that i wish i was....at the v least, i can excel in something....i have no grades, written wk, art piece, performance watevs to show that i m doing well in something....

....so i so should be studying now but i'm not...den i wait till the last minute and then stress myself out and its all my own fault like y cant i be determined?>.....i want to top my class ....dream on....

thats all i do, dream and fantazise w/o action.dumb

body...

i have always since v.v.v young like to be skinny...and i suppose when i was 11/12 yrs old, i stopped track and field because of major PSLE exam and then realised i cannot eat as much as i was or i cannot be skinny and then i think i was most concerned w making sure dat i had a flat tummy so lotsa crazy situp i think i was doing like 1000 a day?!?....thhheenn much later.i realise i cant be tinytiny and eat alot so i decided that in that case and i wanted a muscular body...i guess wat i dont want is a soft body a curvy body a fleshy body...and if i want a muscular body then i learn that i cant not eat or starve myself so i eat but i am sosososo cautious w what i put into my mouth...

... dont know if what i m doing is wrong is it any different then wanting to be v.v. small?...like there r so many ladies who train hard like those fitness models and gymast and they r not skinnyskinny but they also muscular w little body fat .... they surely do not starve but sruely have strict diet to adhere....so if its ok for them then nothing rong if i want to acheive the same body rite?...confusionconfusion

yog

...so w the youth olympics going on, i cant help but feel so jealous of the bodies of soamny of the atheletes...i see the gymast, divers, runners and i feel envy that they have such grt toned muscular bodies...and i think: i want that too!, i wonder what they eat, ...etc...

treatment team...

i dont trust my psychiatrist i dont trust the psychologist i dont trust the dietitian in fact i hate hate the dietitian...the psychologist is nice but i cant tell her everything although she says "private n confidential" but then she also says "but if i think u said anything impt or suicidal(come on i wont everrr) then she will record it the file" and the file is for all the treatment ppl so dat means nothing i say is really p&c, how would i know which prt of what i say gets written down?!?...so dat means its all rubbish....
dietitian is horribbbbleee, she knows i hate her knows i dont want to see her knows i asked to change dietitian but somehow its always her...
i wish i could trust them and bare it all out to them but i cant

yesterday

so buffet i ate sashimi(~7 pieces salmon n tuna)+3prawns+4 mussels+1 baby lobster+~13 cherry tomatoes+salad leaves+pickled ginger balsamic vinegar white wine vinegar soy sauce...like i dont feel terrible w wat i ate i was completely aware that i avoided the carbs cus they were "unhealthy" ones like white and butterfied and that i avoided the more oilier cooked stuff like charsiewchilean seabass and i wish i did try cus i wanted to but i was scared that i would be too consumed abt how unhealthy itwas after eating it and thus cannot eat anything esle+messes w my mind the whole nite n today so altogether skipped it...
....like did i do anything wrong?...i dont know...i stuck to the "clean" foods only...is that ok?...then on the way home i kept thinking if i ate too much but i think not....i think i regret eating less during the day to prepare for the buffet but if i did not eat less yesterday during the day i doubt i could handle dinner cus i was telling myself its ok to eat more cus u ate lesser in the day...i should go study now

buffet

....going out for dinner in a few minutes... buffet...actually less anxious as can choose wat to eat....but still i totally lowered food intake today...wth man i want to have a fast meta should not be doing this ...anyway hope all goeswell

meal plan

....problem w the meal plan is dat i can't wake up late......sometimes i want to sleep till like 10,11,12...buutt cannot, cant squeeze in all the meals,....this is dumb.

when i wake up late, i worry abt how t0 squeeze in all meals so usually end up skipping 1 snack ....nnnnnnn all cus of meal plan ...but den like no meal plan sucks too cus den i wont know how much to eat/when/what....==constant thoughts abt how/when/what to eat=cant focus on anything else

yesterday friday slept like at 1.30am today woke at almost 10am, so...already 1 snack gone....must i always need towake up early?which means always have to sleep earlier or b like zombie which happens so often just cus i wake up early so all meals r in.....

to gain

gaining back lost weight....

pros:

1. daddy happy, less worried/burden
2. less anxious to c doctor
3. period???

cons

1. decreased self confidence
2. constant focus on how fat i am
3. hate myself feel like crap random crying
4. increase anti socialness
5. clothes(jeans) dont fit...
6. ppl's comments???
7. no period (dont noe if i want it...)

...honestly i feel alot more confident+better abt myself at this size than when i was at 49kg which i felt like carop all the time and cried and cried and was unable to concentrate on anything at all....this is shit i still have to gain anyway...

i hate my life....

...i love my dad, but some times i just want to punch him in the face....its like he says certain stuff on purpose to mkae things difficult for me...like how do i ans that?....like we were eating dinner in fron tof the tv and it was a reality show abt buffet places, and they were showing some dessert buffet...and daddy says out loudly that "jam will never enjoy all these food like normal ppl" and then ask me the address of this buffet place so that he can take my younger bro there on mon....its like he is spite-ting me...i wanted to say: yep, i wont ever enjoy those desserts because i know how harmful they are to my health and i cant eat them w/o think abt all the related diseases. i am happy that my tastebuds veer towards healthier foods. now can u stop w those comments??...

....bye gor, cu soon

my elder bro flew off this morning to the states...he'll graduate end of the yr....i could not ask for a better elder brother...he loves me and help me w sch /computer basically anything i need help w...ok, so i do get annoyed by guy habits like always taking a new cup instead of just washing yr own cup....butbut these all r so minute things compared to wat a horrible sister i am....

sometimes i wonder if he feels pressured to be "good"...because he is quite sacrificial and would make decisions that benefit others....i just want the best for him...i want my brother to be happy and never be burden by family matters...he totally deserve to be happy....and feel loved...yup, i jus realise that my brother may not feel loved, esp by me(who is so v self focused)...ok,mayb i should make an effort to show love n concern for him, mayb i should have thought of this when he was still here!....

....fun stuff:gor is v funny, introduced me to many awesome shows(office, criminal minds family guy...)see u on sykpe soon!!!...

class bbq

the good...i actually didi go for my class bbq...bad?, did not eat a thing, not even fruits...i already packed my dinner, i was prepared to not eat bbq foods, i knew all the food was drenched in butter and i could never bring myself to eat it or if i ate it i would find te following hours/days unbearable and unable to focus on the n0w...i did not feel bad or like my eatinghabits was in the way as i knew i still eating my dinner, this dinner was ok and hence i was able to have fun w the ppl there...

seee.....this is where the problem is, was my actions rite or wrong?...i couldn't eat butterfied food but i knew this was goig to happen and brought dinner...i didi not isolate myself, went n participated...sooooooo, its like i think i am ok w this but like if daddy knew this he would b upset and say i have a prob...wonder wat my psychiatrist would say( though no chance i would tell her...dont trust her enough)

i feel like i have done nothing wrong but still someow made to feel guilty cus i was anorexic...idontknow...my probs r so "fluff", not really real...idont know

eating in class...

i think eating has become too "important" in my life, it seems to be given priority over so many other stuff in my life that deserve more attention...like lessons runs fr 12-4pm, classmates just eat lunch earlier or no lunch and just snack around...me, cant have lucnh eaarlier cus snack around 11am, eats lunch during lesson---dont really like this cus i cant concentrate on te lesson, ppl r like hey what's that u're eating, food=smell in class....its so odd, teacher teaching and here i am eating luunch with fork and spoon...i hate it when i have activities and they clash w my eating times, annoying and frustrating...

...i dont dare to skip a meal now, but its cus i think i my metabolism will slow down and dat = fat so i refuse to miss a meal,...but this can really get in the way of life, cant always have time to eat properly, esp in sch, its uncomfortable to eat 4/5 lunch everywk during class...it attracts unwanted attention....




i dont want to live like this forever yet i m afraid to let go...

i get that inception is an awesome movie, i liked it too...but ppl need to STOP HYPING IT !...