on30june...

...only highlighting the ++++...so at dinner daddy asked every1 to share gd points abt me. i kept thinking everyone had nothing to say and will b force to say some lame stuff. i really dont think i am a gd person at all. i am selfish lay self centred annoying spoilt rude. but they all didi say some stuff and i was kinda touched, even my youngest bro said some stuff and i appreciate it...in the end the day ended v, well....

dinner 2morrow

so, tomorrow i turn 18.NOT READY DONOTWANT 2 GROW UP YET...

daddy asked if i wanted to go out for dinner. my mind:nonononononono i just wanna eat at home i dont know what is in the food outside!... what i said:ok sure grt....he was trying to be nice. and now i am freaking out...

exercise

i am constantly having these anxious+stress+worry+fustrated feeling in my head. and i cant pinpoint it down to what exactly. i can talk laugh have conversation w others but somethin is constantly there at the back of my mind...

this no exercise restriction daddy placed on me is also driving me insane. truth, i lied and exercised this wk. but school reopens tomorrow n it is almost impossible to access the gym w/o my dad's knowledge. i honestly think that if i openly defy him and go to the gym and will personally drag me out of the gym. my thought is that he is no doctor so why should he decide if i can go to the gym?...and when i go to the gym, i ONLY do weights, i never touch cardio. its not that i want to lose weight, but i want not to be flabby. daddy thinks i exercise to be skinny.NONONNO!,

i also realised how exercise make me feel much more ready for the day. more energy, happier, liviler. i was moody, annoying(more than usual) and constantly thought of exercising. and i do think that stpping me fr exercising will cause me to lose more weight. i dont want to lose my muscles!!...

daddy says i am a exercise addict. i denied. i do not overexercise. (3x weights a wk+<30 mins of some form of cardio a wk)...

...at times, i feel like watever, no exercise then so be it. but then i think, y should i listen,he does not know a think. he keeps equating exerising = weight lost. and that is y i want to see the doc asap. a 1st!, sonce i more often delay and reschedule appointment. i konw i have lost a small amy of weight, but i know doc would allow me some exercise sinnce it is just a little below goal weight.

i hit 47kg which was bmi 18.6= normal and daddy did not let me eercise still and that pissed me big time. doc's goal weight 47.6...why daddy why?...

ok, clearly no exercise is freaking me out.... i want to scream,

older

...when i read older women w anorexia blogs, sometimes it freaks me out a little. its like its so sad that they r consumed by ed. i'm scared to end up like that. that would suck BIG TIME. now that u r young, u think its ok, i will get over it i will fight this blah blah blah...but day to day there is not much improvement. or u recover far enough to function normally, but some lingering traits of ed still held on to...

imagine in yr 30s, 40s, 50s, 60 s... and u look back on yr life, how much time was spend on thinking abt food, exercising, unsociallising, hermitted. cant let this happen cant.

...see, i say i cant let this happen, but how do it?, will i after thinking abt this be able to eat dinner freely?, not measuring my food?, i doubt so, i am 90% certain nothing will change tonight. not bothering and eating would cause too much anxiety which i would thinki would rather avoid than go though w it.

not fair!

i am so upset!...
my bmi is now 18.6, normal, BUT daddy wont let me go to the gym!...i am so angry he wants me to hit 48 but its not fair its not fair, my weight in normal what is the problem now. i am so vvvvvv angry!

dinner

last night: family gathering at a chinese restaurant. daddy sat next to me. i ate deep fried battered prawn, scallops w fried crispy garlic*3, vegs and shrooms drenched in oily sauces, shark fin soup, thick sauce abalone, sesame oil drenched jellyfish. HATED it. when to the ladies and body checked. tried to estimate kcals( assumed dinner was 1000kcals). ate night snack( contemplated 4ever if i should skip this.
how i felt: gonna gain gonna gain, my thighs are already like so freaking huge!.

my coffee

i think i just realise that exercise is like coffee. i absolutely cannot do anything esle w/o it. i have been so upppset over not being allowed to exercise that i cant even be bothered to eat. but i do eat because i need to gain 1kg and if i dont means a longer period w/o exercise and i cannot allow that i am losing it ...

maybe i should just get fat then everyone will be happy(except me) and i will not beba burden.
injust want everyone to leave me alone.

i try to refain fr vulgaritiies but i cant now, i hate me fucking fucking like . i shlould just fucking fdie anddie.

dont want ro gain

its freaking hard to be cornered to gain weight when u r normal looking already.....

hatemylife

i honestly dont know what to think. i truly feel that i do not have anorexia. but i know how i eat fustrates my dad and are stuff him and my brothers wont eat. but again, they r unhealthy eaters and i know i am not retricting but am eating healthily.
i am v angry thhat daddy isnt allowing me any access to the gym at all. he thinks that by doing so i will put on weight. he claims i am overexercising which i am NOT. my total max cardio a wk is like 1 hour?, and the i mostly do the weights because i m not trying to lose weight and i really enjoy the after feeling. when i completely did not exercise, i really had trouble eating well, and i know that if i see the phychatrist now, some form of exercise will be allowed. i tried to get an earlier appointment bcus I WANT TO EXERCISE and going w/o exercise it freaking messing w my mind!...all i do is cry and think of exercise. daddy keeps saying if u really want to recover, u will take this w a good attitiude. he expects me to be not bitter abt this.
i am struggling alot inside that i cant tell him/anyone. he will not understand. when i tried to tell him that ...
I WANT TO SREAM NOW DADDT IS BACK !!!!!!

i can see that my dad is lsing his mind verme he wants me to be 100% well,but does not know how, and puts restrictions n me and i myself is am losing my mind. i keep thinking he is going to hit me or something. he does not understand how i really feel, cant know how to explain to him. i hate this. he went out, i went to the gym,just came back. like now that i got my exercise in, i can function normally, if not , i cant bloody do anything w/o crying/stompingg/anxious/freaking/losing my freakin mind.

my eyes cant open fully cus i cried like ridiculous last night. iwanna go gym now!!!!!!.......i hate this i cant function iwanna exercise i hate this t=i hate this i cant think straight

daddy banned me fr exercising and i am so angry and piseede and anxiousa and mad and sad andlossing my mind icant take it i cant take it i cant take it how am i going to live 2morrow, i will lose my mid i can teat thinbk i need exercise pissed

"heavy dinner"

last night, i had 2 saba fish fillet among other things for dinner. saba is a naturally oily fish. i have always loved oily fish. well, yesterday, i found the fish really oily and hard to stomach. but i ate all. then, i could not help myself, check the nutrition profile online, learned that the this fish alone was 500kcals. freaked. what!......i think: ate 500kcals + other stuff. omgomg...i wonder how many kcals was dinner. consequently, i could not focus on studying for my test this morning.

various thoughts that flooded my mind throughtout the night: all the food eaten that day, does it balance out?, should i skip night snack?, cut, cut cut!, i totally should not have eaten 2 fillets!, maybe i can exercise more 2morrow?...

then, i kept lifting mt shirt in front of the mirror, is my body ok?, i want to be lean!,

in the end, ate night snack, spilled some of it, was secretly happy. even threw in a bit of exercise, but also kept think no point as i'm not going to burn much anyway. (if only i knew how to puke, i can get rid of all my anxiety and go bACK TO FOCUSING MY MY STUDY)-(or do i really, do it once, u might do it twice...)

the thing is, i have always eaten saba, and well nothing really happened to me. i think i might be going backwards...
STUPID STUPID STUPID DUMB DUMB, these food thought are freaking annoying.

1.5 hours ago...

i came home fr the gym, my dad: i dont know what to do w u, i can see that u r losing weight, u r allowed to exercise on the count that you gain weight. it is ridiculous to wake up earlt to exercise when u sleep so late. u see the way u eat, u r isolating everyone fr u. have u got yr period back yet. why do u want to go against nature. it is against nature u know right.

Me: slience. In my mind: i'm sorry i'm sorry i dont want to burden u at all. its just, exersize keeps my anxiety at bay. if i dont exercise, i will feel so anxious i cant concentrate on doing anythinh esls. esp. nw, exam time. please do not thinki over exercise. i do not think it is wrong to wake up earlier to exercise. i dont even do any cardio, only weights. i havent got my period. please dont force me to stop.

i want to tell him how i felt but i always keep silent. i doubt my dad understands. we r on diff wavelengths. i think any form of exercise = bad for him. please understand. i know i need to eat more. i will i iwll

just right now.

if only i spent the time i cried studying...i so relatives came over at dinner time, i was unhappy cus ihave a test 2morrow and i wanted the house to b quiet. i did not need anxiety, food thoughts today. i had 2 fillts of oily snow fish + a crab claw + tomatoes. i felt unforably full. havent felt like that in forever. all i could think was if only i knew how to force puke, i can get rid of this food anxiety and concentrate studying. i still feel full, i am hating this. alot lots alotalot...i need to concntrate on studying, y o y do ppl visit me NOW of all times, no time to psych myself up 4 unsafe food amt social stuff.

i hate everything...

pisseddPISSEDDDDD off. angry. anhgry. self centred idiot. lonely selfish selfish controling madmad mad

society

i am affected by magazines, tvs, media etc. this embracing normal and plus sized model thing, it seems so insincere. if there is a fashion spread on normal or plus sized ppl like crystal reinn, everyone is like: oh she look damn gd; gorgeous etc. BUT would they themselve be willing to let themselves reach crystal reinn's figure?...i doubt so...they say she's lookin great but deeep down, they wont let themselves become as "plump".

so, ultimately, society still like skinny better. boo

liar

i lied.
family gathering. looked at the food, thinks: why is everything so oily. i cant eat anything here. if i eat, i will breakdown. i wont be able to concentrate on my studies later. skipskipskip.what i did: took a playe, took a bit of food to make it look as if i have eaten. walk to the living room w the plate say: i've eaten already when asked to eat more. told dad i had to go home to study.

home: hungry, ate food. study, night snack. sleep


i really cant handle outside food.