...3guys

as much as i love my brothers and daddy...i cant stand living w 3 males in the house...i get annoyed by thier habits...they cant read ppl...they r dirty...messy and i often cleanup after them...i dont mind cleaning up, its just....dont noe how to explain...ihateboys

shallow

i am shallow...i do judge ppl by their appearance. i put a lot of emphasis on how i look....i have double standards...what i consider reasonable body size for others is not enough for me...i want more than reasonable, i'm so scared to loose my body size...
y?...y do i care so much abt how i look?...because i know ppl do judge others by appearance...i;m don't want ppl to think negative of me?...i want them to be jealous of me?...
my shallowness is holding me back...i compare myself to everyone, i just pissed off myself when i do not look as good as others...i get happy when ppl notice my hardwk("yr arms r so muscular, nice!")-isthisbadisthisbad?(most ppl will be happy too?)

i just wish i was not so shallow...if i would just stop worring abt how i look..

facebk

...so, just viewed pictures of ppl i know fr sch and have not met in a long time...nnn they look thinner+pretty+happy+fun+social life...notfair...

inception

just saw inception w my elder bro...like BEST MOVIE EVERRR!...)u have to follow the story as it goes or the movie make zero sense)...awesome stuff...

my thoughts this morning...

y do i have to feel so guilty to ask to go to the supermarket??....i am not doing anythong wrong rite?icant wait to learn how to driveso i can go w/0 all the annoying feelings...


i should just die i hate causing my daddy so much burden...cant think of any reason y daddy will like if notthat i am his daughter...i don't bring joy to anoe in my family...i should just leave...

i think that on a day to day basis, daddy will be alot more joyful w/o me, mayb i should not live w my family...i feel i'm not 100% me...i'm either a bloody annoying spoilt paranoid ass or i'm super cautious abt my movements and what i say n how i come across...or maybe i just really am a v paranoid spoilt self centred loser.

appointment yesterday

i was "glad" that daddy could not make it to the appointment...y?, cus i dropped weight, a small amt, but i do not want to worry daddy, make him upset, increase his burden...i told him weight stayed the same, he has so much on his plate i CANNOT allow me to make things worse...

thing is, i cant see myself any larger...the last time at my higher weight, i was so depressed+upset+pissed n all, cried all the time, hated how i look, it was such horrible horrible feelings i do not want to xperience again...

during the appointment , there was a trainee doc w the psychiatrist, and doc made him tell me cons of amenorrhoea....which i have heard like a zillion timesss..........but it does not worry me i dont know y....most times i dont want my period back as periods make me fel uncomfortable and too self concious...

dinner just, appointment 2morrow

so dinner just... bad experience w daddy...i just feel terrible...he also said i dont think u have made any improvement, well, i dont get him. my mhw has been met, why does he keep wanting me to gain and gain and gain...

again worried 4 2morrow's weighin...lame worries: sch ends at 9am(8-9)(dont want to go cus sch is like 1 hour away-but cant cus my attendence is pretty bad(never absent, just late enuff to be marked absent-fussy teacher!)and i dont want to be barred fr exams), so i should come home 1st b4 going 4 appointment at 2.30. BUT that means more walking=lower weigh in?...so stay in sch till like 2 den go straight for appointment(but sch has nothing to do, i hate hanging around in sch)...den lunch packed, eaten at sch?but that means after eating i need travel to hospital so weight will be lower, so eat at hospital so food is still in me=higher weight?...

...i am blanking everything out ...avoidingavoidingavoiding...

...am a freaking disappointment burdensome selfcentred crap shit

I HHATE MY GRANDMA WAT IS HER IDIOTIC SHIT ASS PROBLEM HOW ANY TIME MUST I REPEAT MYSELF I HOPW SHE DIES I DONT CARE SHE IS DRIVING ME MAD I HATE HERI HATE HER DIE DIE DIE GET LOST WHAT IS HER PROB SHE MAKES ME MADMAMDMADMAMDIHATEUDOIEIDIEID

FEEL LIKE I M TALKING TO A WALL, A STUDIP ASS WALL THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY///...

DIE

my sore throat seems to be alot better....coming weds is next weigh in...again worried nervojus scared...dont want them to take exercise away fr me...i defo need more fat in my diet...

i hate my FAT LEGS FATFATFAT......why is my upper body skinny but my lower body so frewakinmg ginormous...no matter wat exercise i do my thighs and calves r giant...sucks...makes me feel crap abt myself...one reason i am sacred to gain?...dont want my legs any larger...already so disproportionate...

confusion

..is there a real difference between healthy eating and eating disorderdly??...
say u order dressing on the side, there is nothing wrong w that right?...i just dont want to consume unhealthy fats and excessive sugar...is that wrong?...when i visited the national health promotion board site, it encourages people to order food w less gravy, choose steamed/boil/grilled items, etc...does it mean that u have a ed if u order healthy?...if a person has/had an ed, are they never allowed to order healthy?...

in other news, i am super duper excited for 2nite's world cup finals!...its like at 2.30am and CANT WAIT. lots of peeps coming over. daddy's friends and my friends. my friends are coming at 12am cus that is the last train. then they will sleep in the hall and we will go sch2gether. and school starts at 8AM!..butbutbut, world cup once in 4 yrs!...

i am seeing a new psychiatrist since the previous one has left the hospital. i do not like this new phychaistrist. well, i did not like the previous one but i dislike this one more. sometimes, i feel like i want to voice my fears of weight gain+reasons i do not want to gain...but it seems like she is not interested in this at all. all she is concern abt is my weight. all the questioning revolved the weight "drop"(its not even real cus i drank like 2L of water the last time)....wateverwatverwatever

i am comparing all the freaking time...i am surrounded by naturally thin girls and girls with arwsome slim lean legs and i get bloody annoyed/pissy/jealous.i think: not fair!, how come thet can have nice legs w/o doing much?...i want that too...no matter what i do my legs are ugly large...this sucks...

glad that spain won. they freaking DOMINATED.... cant wait 4 the finals...go kick holland's butt!

appontiment soon...

i have an appointment later...worried...the last time i was 49, which is above my given
minimum healthy weight of 47.6. btu i know the last time was a fluke because i super water loaded like mad. and i am certain i lost some weight. i DONOT WANT the scale to show my weight less than 47.6 becase it will upset my dad and cause him so so so much hurt and burden. really, that is like the only reason i do not want to fall below the line. that few extra weight onj me caused my so much self hate in terms of appeareance. i hated how cubbier my gace was, how much thicker my legs were. it was horrible. i felt terrible in my clothes. being at a healthy weight made my cranky depressed angry.
47kg is like already in the healthy range. i cant see why they make my mhw 47.6. i keep thinking that i donot have to hit the normal range because i am so so flat chested like honestly anyone who sees my chest area only would automatically say that this is a boy. no real bras ever needed, even trainiing bras are big for me. and boobs makes up quite abit of a person's weight.
i cant stand my body any larger than now, even now i have a hard time accepting my huge my legs are. that's where all my weight goes to...

so anxious right now...

friends, body

my friend who is currently back fr australia for a short holiday b4 returning for studies came over to hang out+watch world cup match b/w holland vs brazil( woot! holland won yea...sneijder da MAN)...2 other ex-ahs students who are 1yr my senior came too. had such a fun time despite me, as usual, for no real reason hoped they would not come. GLAD they came in the end...

"u r like so lean!"-such comments make me feel happy, but also the pressure to stay that way, which in itself may not be healthy....i feel like i need to keep up my appearance. i dont want to be unlean when ppl have seen me lean. then tey can compare the lean and unlean me, which would suck and i dont want to let happen. i'm so afraid of letting go this body i feel i have worked really hard for.

in unimpt news, cant wait for world cup to resume!