it is easier when you are blinded by anorexia then when when u are aware of it.
i realised that at the start when i was developing anorexia, it was like the development of a way of living. for example, doing a particular exercise routine the 1st thing every morning was just a way i was living. the thought of not doing so never crossed my mind. the thought that this was not normal never crossed my mind. the thought that this was wrong never ever crossed my mind. it was like brushing teeth, u just do it, no questions.
however, when i was in recovery, this meant i learn that doing this particular set of exercises upon waking everyday was not normal and normal was to wake up and brush my teeth ONLY without excessive movement as i brushed. so then there was an alternative way to do things. this made living difficult because everything had 2 ways of being carried out and i it was a struggle to choose the right way.like, i may want to consume 1/2 of this food but the alternative was to eat all of it. i became aware of this alternative that i never knew existed when i was anorexic.
no alternatives made living easier. i cant ever go back to being blindly anorexic since i am now aware of the alternatives and therefore there will always be a choice. but i can do only the alternatives until the alternatives becomes the only way i think of doing things so there is no more choices to make. meaning, i can keeping choosing to brush teeth only without exercising until exercising while brushing does not even cross my mind.
what my brain thinks and should think at various stages:
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