thinking...

everytime i tell meself i want to give this up, something stops me.
what r these things that stop me?.

my own reflection. i see myself and how hard i wk to get this bdy( not that it is my dream body, but the effects of my exercise on my body), and then i find it hard to let go. atfter all these effort u r just going to let yr body go soft?...nonono...i am so scared of lsing my body, letting my bodygo.
clothes, afraid i wont fit in them nicely. because skinny always sem to look better i clothes. skinny can where a greater variety og clothes. looking nice in clothes makes me feel god abt myself.

paranoid???

if a utensil at home was used for any food that i will not eat, then i wont use that utensil. i have my own sponge was washing dishes cus i worry that the sponge was already used to wash utensils that had food i wont eat and the food may be transported via the sponge onto my own untensils.

sometimes i feel that this is so stupid and my gosh GET OVER IT. it would save me a lot of hassle. alot alot alot. then, i think i just want to be absoultely sure i dont ingest "non-me foods". bah.

when we eat out, sometimes i can ignore this and eat w/o thinking abt the "contamination". other times, i do think abt it as i eat BUT always still eat as my dad does not know that i actually seperate utensils at home.

i dont even dare to buy "me" foods in school cus it may have touched others i wont eat food, or made w utensils used on non me food. this is crazy

once again

i wish i :

am super suoer lean
w awsome legs
and arms and abs
that is all i want...

not wrong right???....

yesterday

i was so antsy yesterday, then we reached the place and it was closed and i was so "happy". "yeah, dont have to worry abt eating foods i wont eat mostly". i dont know is this right or wrong. then we ended up eating a a hawker centre and seafood pasta and i asked for less pasta and i knew i should not i think?, i am always scared that they give alot and that daddy will be angry if i dont finish my food and i dont want him to be angry so i asked for less. and even then, i worried if the less would be less enough. and when the food came i thought"what oily tomato sauce!" but ate still cus i just didi not want to upset anyone. daddy was upset when he noticed the way i was looking athe menu, so i COULD NOT MAKE THINGS worse .

...right now

i am so anxious,angry, nervous , abt to cry, holding it all in.
daddy is bring us to a place to eat where ho knows i will have nothing to eat...yyyyyyyyy...scared cant take i want to cry now...

stuck

checklist

i saw this list of anorexia symptoms on a blog and decided to check them against myself. i am doing this base on me NOW, not in the past.

• refusal to eat(nope, but i am selective)
  
• intense fear of gaining weight(nope, but i only want to gain muscle weight)
  
• distorted or negative self-image(not distorted, but neg)
  
• low blood pressure(depends)
• dry skin(don't think so)
  
• lanugo (soft, downy hair covering the body)(i do have hairy arms...but i think its genetics for me)
• sensitivity to cold(nope, don't get any more cold than others)
  
• fainting/dizziness(nope)
• irregular heart rhythm
• brittle nails
• dehydration
• hair loss/brittleness(this has decreased greatly)
  
• loss of menstruation(true)
• swelling of arms/legs(dont think so)
  
• social withdrawal(hmm...depends really)
  
• depressed mood(sometimes)
• denial of hunger(not really)
  
• irritability(true)
• osteoporosis(nope)
• osteopenia(i do have thin bones)
  
• heart failure(nope)
  
• reduced interest in sex(i believe in abstinence!!!)
  
• excessive exercise(hmmm, mayb not excessive, but i feel v.v.v. uncomfortable when i miss a session)
  
• repeated weighing of self(nope)
• cooking for others but doesn't eat the meal themselves(well, i dont eat meat or chick but do cook them for my brother and dad)
  
• spitting food out after chewing(almost never)
  
• rigid food rituals (cutting into tiny pieces, moving food around plate,etc)(eating slowlly counts?)
  
• complains of being fat(yep)
• skipping meals(nope)
• not wanting to eat in public(depends where)
  
• obsession with calories(not obsession, but i am somewhat aware)
  
• constipation(nope)
• fatigue(yep)
• arthritis(no i think?)
  
• insomnia(nope)
• easily bruises(no?)
  
• dramatic weight loss/relatively short period of time(nope)
• food restriction/self-starvation(defo no starvation, restriction...depends on how u see it)
  
• malnutrition(i highly doubt so)
  
• electrolyte imbalances(no clue)
  
• muscle atrophy(hope not!!!)
  
• paralysis transient (or temporary)(no)
• kidney disease/failure(n0)
• stroke(no)

...i have way more negative than positive , CANT BE ANOREXIcC, y am i still diagnosed as such?!!?!?!...


Read more: http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.com/2010/05/what-is-eating-disorder-signs-symptoms.html#ixzz0oQb6xIKv

real

media nowadays, they r clearly trying to show that they embrace curvy and normal sized girls. often, women would say like, "she is not fat", "she looks totally normal", "she looks so much better now with more weight" and the likes, but what they really think is i cant let myself reach her size.

it just seems like so much of this embracing is not really real. but i do want it to be real. because when i can see that it's real, then i think i will be more accepting of how i look.

how i really feel

i feel that saying that anorexia is a mental illness is such a cop out. i feel like its saying alcoholism, gambling or drug addiction are legit mental illness. its so bull!...


n why y must there always be some deeper issues?...like control( always control!!!), lack of attention, fear blah blah blah...y cant it be shallow reasons?...like wanting to look grt?...


sometimes, i get the impression that some ppl use these deeper issues as excuses to cover up their vanity.


if u r fat and try to eat healthy, no one says a thing. or maybe people praise like good for u!
if u r thin and try to eat healthy, its a different story. why r u not eating? (healthy food=not eating???)
at doctors': fat person says "i learn to control my food portions"=thumbs up fr doc.
not fat person says" i learn to control my food portions"=why? control issues?...etc etc...


psychologist: "u r not an anorexic, u suffer from anorexia"-that just sound so fluff, its like saying u r not an alcoholic, u just like alcohol a litttle way too much.

done.

off my mind...abt a girl

see, there is this girl in my class, X. we r friends. she had anorexia and considers herself recovered. i find myself being "competitive" w her and always judging her secretly. the other day,i saw her eat lunch, which was steamed egg + 2vegs+pumpkin. right away my mind pissed! r u serious i thought, purleaze, u r NOT RECOVERED. but i kept the comments only in my mind.
gtg to school now, guess i will continue laterrrrr

eating out

i am going out for dinner tonight and i inside i am anxious. my activity level was reduced today(usually i take the public transport but my dad offered to drive...) and i am worried now. there is no way out if this.

i should :

focus on spending time w the family,
not cry secretly


i hate this, its too taxing on my mind.

anorexia was easier

i have been thinking abt this alot..

it is easier when you are blinded by anorexia then when when u are aware of it.

i realised that at the start when i was developing anorexia, it was like the development of a way of living. for example, doing a particular exercise routine the 1st thing every morning was just a way i was living. the thought of not doing so never crossed my mind. the thought that this was not normal never crossed my mind. the thought that this was wrong never ever crossed my mind. it was like brushing teeth, u just do it, no questions.

however, when i was in recovery, this meant i learn that doing this particular set of exercises upon waking everyday was not normal and normal was to wake up and brush my teeth ONLY without excessive movement as i brushed. so then there was an alternative way to do things. this made living difficult because everything had 2 ways of being carried out and i it was a struggle to choose the right way.like, i may want to consume 1/2 of this food but the alternative was to eat all of it. i became aware of this alternative that i never knew existed when i was anorexic.

no alternatives made living easier. i cant ever go back to being blindly anorexic since i am now aware of the alternatives and therefore there will always be a choice. but i can do only the alternatives until the alternatives becomes the only way i think of doing things so there is no more choices to make. meaning, i can keeping choosing to brush teeth only without exercising until exercising while brushing does not even cross my mind.

what my brain thinks and should think at various stages:

i wonder if

i am studying a course in nutrition. is the because i am truly zealously passionate abt healthy living or is the a manifestation of my eating issues. if i never ever had anorexia, would i be studying nutrition?...

gd brother, bad sister

my elder brother is back fr michigan for the term break. he is the best kind of brother ever. he is the type of person u cant hate. just way too nice, friendly, funny, polite and caring. well, today, he asked if i was free on saturday, so we could go hang out. immediately, my mind thinks: Saturday is the day i clean the house and prepare my food for school (more on this next time...). going out on sat also means i will be eating out. shoot, i dont want to eat out!. i want to eat at home!!!

here my brother is trying to get some time to spend time with his sister he have not seen in abt 6 months. and here i am, freaking(in my head) about food and thinking how to convince him not to go out. really, this is not the way to live. i said somrthng like needing to study and sch projects to deal with, and i know this is not really true. i love my brother dearly and i want to hang out with him, but i want to know what i am going to eat.

divulging abit of myself...

hi,
i suppose i created this blog because i seek support for certain issues i desperately want to get over and move on w life. its hard to find ppl who can relate in the real world. i act like everything is getting better. i laugh, talk, eat, go to school. but i dont want this to be an act, i yearn my inside match outside. (gosh, sounds so emoish.)

i had anorexia at 12. then abt 2 yrs ago, doctor said i relapse. today, i am supposedly in recovery, but i cant really believe i relasped. i question this all the time. this time round, my weight never plummeted like before, i never stave myself. i look too normal and unskinny. but i guess i have food+exercise+extreme body hate issues to deal with. and no period for 2 years, this is something i feel ambiguous towards...more on this in future...

18 this yr. dont want to grow up!...i need to get a real life.