lousy...

many peeps w eds r like hardworking and determined and stuff...n like smart(do well in sch), artsy fartsy, creative blah blah blah....but i am like sososo lazy and not determined and dump and not artsy...i want to do well in school but i am such a lazy ass and giveup too easily and i lovelovelovveeee art but i completely suck at it...and all i do is complain dat sch is hard and be critical and judgemental abt almost everythinng....i feel like i dont have the eds chacteristics in terms of the positive stuff (hardwking..etc)...these r the stuff that i wish i was....at the v least, i can excel in something....i have no grades, written wk, art piece, performance watevs to show that i m doing well in something....

....so i so should be studying now but i'm not...den i wait till the last minute and then stress myself out and its all my own fault like y cant i be determined?>.....i want to top my class ....dream on....

thats all i do, dream and fantazise w/o action.dumb

body...

i have always since v.v.v young like to be skinny...and i suppose when i was 11/12 yrs old, i stopped track and field because of major PSLE exam and then realised i cannot eat as much as i was or i cannot be skinny and then i think i was most concerned w making sure dat i had a flat tummy so lotsa crazy situp i think i was doing like 1000 a day?!?....thhheenn much later.i realise i cant be tinytiny and eat alot so i decided that in that case and i wanted a muscular body...i guess wat i dont want is a soft body a curvy body a fleshy body...and if i want a muscular body then i learn that i cant not eat or starve myself so i eat but i am sosososo cautious w what i put into my mouth...

... dont know if what i m doing is wrong is it any different then wanting to be v.v. small?...like there r so many ladies who train hard like those fitness models and gymast and they r not skinnyskinny but they also muscular w little body fat .... they surely do not starve but sruely have strict diet to adhere....so if its ok for them then nothing rong if i want to acheive the same body rite?...confusionconfusion

yog

...so w the youth olympics going on, i cant help but feel so jealous of the bodies of soamny of the atheletes...i see the gymast, divers, runners and i feel envy that they have such grt toned muscular bodies...and i think: i want that too!, i wonder what they eat, ...etc...

treatment team...

i dont trust my psychiatrist i dont trust the psychologist i dont trust the dietitian in fact i hate hate the dietitian...the psychologist is nice but i cant tell her everything although she says "private n confidential" but then she also says "but if i think u said anything impt or suicidal(come on i wont everrr) then she will record it the file" and the file is for all the treatment ppl so dat means nothing i say is really p&c, how would i know which prt of what i say gets written down?!?...so dat means its all rubbish....
dietitian is horribbbbleee, she knows i hate her knows i dont want to see her knows i asked to change dietitian but somehow its always her...
i wish i could trust them and bare it all out to them but i cant

yesterday

so buffet i ate sashimi(~7 pieces salmon n tuna)+3prawns+4 mussels+1 baby lobster+~13 cherry tomatoes+salad leaves+pickled ginger balsamic vinegar white wine vinegar soy sauce...like i dont feel terrible w wat i ate i was completely aware that i avoided the carbs cus they were "unhealthy" ones like white and butterfied and that i avoided the more oilier cooked stuff like charsiewchilean seabass and i wish i did try cus i wanted to but i was scared that i would be too consumed abt how unhealthy itwas after eating it and thus cannot eat anything esle+messes w my mind the whole nite n today so altogether skipped it...
....like did i do anything wrong?...i dont know...i stuck to the "clean" foods only...is that ok?...then on the way home i kept thinking if i ate too much but i think not....i think i regret eating less during the day to prepare for the buffet but if i did not eat less yesterday during the day i doubt i could handle dinner cus i was telling myself its ok to eat more cus u ate lesser in the day...i should go study now

buffet

....going out for dinner in a few minutes... buffet...actually less anxious as can choose wat to eat....but still i totally lowered food intake today...wth man i want to have a fast meta should not be doing this ...anyway hope all goeswell

meal plan

....problem w the meal plan is dat i can't wake up late......sometimes i want to sleep till like 10,11,12...buutt cannot, cant squeeze in all the meals,....this is dumb.

when i wake up late, i worry abt how t0 squeeze in all meals so usually end up skipping 1 snack ....nnnnnnn all cus of meal plan ...but den like no meal plan sucks too cus den i wont know how much to eat/when/what....==constant thoughts abt how/when/what to eat=cant focus on anything else

yesterday friday slept like at 1.30am today woke at almost 10am, so...already 1 snack gone....must i always need towake up early?which means always have to sleep earlier or b like zombie which happens so often just cus i wake up early so all meals r in.....