weight has dropped, going to have a blood test and bone density test. already had osteopenia previously.
not intentionally losing weight,but it happened as i was trying to gain.. dont want to lose further, yet scared to gain back fat.

so i heard abt the marie claire acrticle on healthy living bloggers and how they contribute to eds, ...my 1st thoughts: these bloggers are too fat to be to inspire eds,

but there r other healthy bloggers hu do...fact: there r overlapping behaviours between eds and healthy living...watever, watever

now...

...i'm in a stagnant position, not regression or progressing, personally dont really care, feel like i can live my life like this n m comforatable, but again this pisses off ma dad n i cant b selfish can i?...

weight gaindoes not mean period will return, ...y does my dad keep "forcing me to gain" ...telling him i am 47 is not good forhim "u need to gain" yyy???...47 is in the normal range...i hate his comments i dont want to be around him i know he loves me so much l hate to dissapoint him he does not understand its all my fault iwan to runawaymaybe i should just not care anymore and getting fat then daddy will be happy idont knoe any more runrunrun

less snacking fr now on

...i have quit most snacks...they take up too much time and only makes me not hungry for meals...so i m trying to eat larger meals and this is not too bad but i noe dat the totoal kcals is still less than w snacks...w exams n everything going on going w/o snakcs saves me alot of time and i m less likely to delay meals or panic when i wake up late and become unable to fit in my snack...fact is, metabolism does not slow down nor yr body will start eating yr muscle if u fail to eat every 3-4 hours...since realising this, i feel that is will defo help me in terms of eating in scool. i am also so particular abt eating evey 3 hrs and sometimes this makes mealtimes clash w lesson times and i carry my lunch and eat in class and this kinda sucks cus ppl always ask wat is dat u r eating plus i feel self concious plus the smell+ eating n doing work like math is annoying....so now i think i can just eat during breaks even if its been less or more than 3 hours since my last meal
as long as i m getting my kcals, there should be no problemo...

wat i ate yesterday:
10 eggwhites
5 sashimi
diet hot cocoa
3 diabetic cookies
soy milk and protein powder
a tablespoon almond butter
a tablespoon avocado
5 almonds
and threw away my plate of fried noodles and deep fried battered fish at the gathering...i wanted b able to eat at the gathering...so i thought if i eat less in the day i could allow myself to eat at the gathering w/o freaking out...but despite so, i could not bring myself to eat the catered food...i am realising that as long as yr macros for the day r ok, it does not really matter if the food is clean or "dirty"...carb is carb weather white or brown...i'm trying to rid of this clean dirty food thing since i know it does not affect my body composition( not talking abt health here) ...

2 more papers to go...
...out the whole day tomorrow w family and relatives...anxious abt the food big time...thinking abt eating less today?....now eating full breakfast...

normal vs healthy

recovery = healthy or normal?
because
normal ≠ healthy ...
and...
what is the baseline for normal?

counting...

starting to calorie count so that i know that i am eating enough + some to gain weight...i dont really like this cus it takes up alot of time and i have exams coming up..never really count usually as 1)dont really want to know scared to really know how much i;m eating. same reason i refuse to have a proper food journal 2) like adding the cals for stuff like soy sauce garlic and such stuff like really made me annoyed like y is there cals in everything!!!!!.............

...life is so crap at the moment

5 minss ago

its ridiculous people have anrexia, u look atppl in 3rd world, they have to starve, they have famine. it is bcause we have everything that's why...how long more u tell me how long more until u r old?...u go and look at all those people w anoreixa, i dont know y u admire them(wth, where diddaddy get this from?...absolute rubbish), think they r so glamorous, don't u dare fight with me u r not allow to go to the gym tell u so thin wat is the pointof going to the gym...what u r sdoing is folly...

worst dinner ever...

pressure

last night mydad wanted to weigh me and i refused and refused...i knw my weight has dropped and it would be freaking chaotic if my dad saw my weight...and i know he will force ensure to me which will cause alot of tension and i cant deal with dat esp. now, he kept saying u r chrnic alreadly and u r so skinny...which is so not true, he is the only person commenting my me being thin and when it comes from him it just makes me uncomforable, like i always try to dress fatter w my dad so he wont make such comments....and i feel like i am always under scrutiny by him,

i hate that the scale says i'm 45 but i look fatter that 45,...i think this is 1 of my biggest hurdle....sometimes i get tat"watever, just get fat, daddy will be happy"...i do wnnna gain, like i m not that affected my nos on the scale but moire by how i look in the mirror...my bottom half is like so much more bigger than my upper body and i worry that if i gain i would gain more on my leges which is completely unnessasry and i am not kidding yself cus my jeans fit exactly so defo not me being dsymorpic or some crap...

i wish i could turn back the clock so i never have ano in the 1st place...need to study(y m i not smart?)...such a freaking whiner stop complaining and complaining and actually do something man....

wat a fatty dinner had 7 prawns w freakin fatty curry allover it and cabbage dripping in oil it made my lips soo oily gross and oil dressed salad and white rice...i'm angry that daddy felt i did not eat enough when i felt like i ate normal portions and how hard it was for me to not freak out and break down and eat...i know he wants me to be able ti eat anything n everything but its not that easy and it wn't happen, he cant see that i pushed myself...i love my dad but we r on such diff levels

my breakfast ended at abt 10.42...its abt 3.15 now n i starting lunch,...not al all hungry...actually kinda full, but eat anyway, is there even a choice...i wanna eat later. but then it'llscrew up the rest of the day meals...out for dinner 2nite...freaking out abt that...

i m annoyed at ppl who can have a healthy bmi and yet still be skinny...

"how long, how long" that's wat my dad said to me 1st thing this morning...he says i look thinner....i know i m but i still look not normal...45kg now but i look so unskinny already i dont dare to gain or i will look alot bigger...its nt fair, if i'm underswight at least let me look skinny so that i wont be fat went i am at a normal weight....i'm such as ass for the shit i cause t daddy

lousy...

many peeps w eds r like hardworking and determined and stuff...n like smart(do well in sch), artsy fartsy, creative blah blah blah....but i am like sososo lazy and not determined and dump and not artsy...i want to do well in school but i am such a lazy ass and giveup too easily and i lovelovelovveeee art but i completely suck at it...and all i do is complain dat sch is hard and be critical and judgemental abt almost everythinng....i feel like i dont have the eds chacteristics in terms of the positive stuff (hardwking..etc)...these r the stuff that i wish i was....at the v least, i can excel in something....i have no grades, written wk, art piece, performance watevs to show that i m doing well in something....

....so i so should be studying now but i'm not...den i wait till the last minute and then stress myself out and its all my own fault like y cant i be determined?>.....i want to top my class ....dream on....

thats all i do, dream and fantazise w/o action.dumb

body...

i have always since v.v.v young like to be skinny...and i suppose when i was 11/12 yrs old, i stopped track and field because of major PSLE exam and then realised i cannot eat as much as i was or i cannot be skinny and then i think i was most concerned w making sure dat i had a flat tummy so lotsa crazy situp i think i was doing like 1000 a day?!?....thhheenn much later.i realise i cant be tinytiny and eat alot so i decided that in that case and i wanted a muscular body...i guess wat i dont want is a soft body a curvy body a fleshy body...and if i want a muscular body then i learn that i cant not eat or starve myself so i eat but i am sosososo cautious w what i put into my mouth...

... dont know if what i m doing is wrong is it any different then wanting to be v.v. small?...like there r so many ladies who train hard like those fitness models and gymast and they r not skinnyskinny but they also muscular w little body fat .... they surely do not starve but sruely have strict diet to adhere....so if its ok for them then nothing rong if i want to acheive the same body rite?...confusionconfusion

yog

...so w the youth olympics going on, i cant help but feel so jealous of the bodies of soamny of the atheletes...i see the gymast, divers, runners and i feel envy that they have such grt toned muscular bodies...and i think: i want that too!, i wonder what they eat, ...etc...

treatment team...

i dont trust my psychiatrist i dont trust the psychologist i dont trust the dietitian in fact i hate hate the dietitian...the psychologist is nice but i cant tell her everything although she says "private n confidential" but then she also says "but if i think u said anything impt or suicidal(come on i wont everrr) then she will record it the file" and the file is for all the treatment ppl so dat means nothing i say is really p&c, how would i know which prt of what i say gets written down?!?...so dat means its all rubbish....
dietitian is horribbbbleee, she knows i hate her knows i dont want to see her knows i asked to change dietitian but somehow its always her...
i wish i could trust them and bare it all out to them but i cant

yesterday

so buffet i ate sashimi(~7 pieces salmon n tuna)+3prawns+4 mussels+1 baby lobster+~13 cherry tomatoes+salad leaves+pickled ginger balsamic vinegar white wine vinegar soy sauce...like i dont feel terrible w wat i ate i was completely aware that i avoided the carbs cus they were "unhealthy" ones like white and butterfied and that i avoided the more oilier cooked stuff like charsiewchilean seabass and i wish i did try cus i wanted to but i was scared that i would be too consumed abt how unhealthy itwas after eating it and thus cannot eat anything esle+messes w my mind the whole nite n today so altogether skipped it...
....like did i do anything wrong?...i dont know...i stuck to the "clean" foods only...is that ok?...then on the way home i kept thinking if i ate too much but i think not....i think i regret eating less during the day to prepare for the buffet but if i did not eat less yesterday during the day i doubt i could handle dinner cus i was telling myself its ok to eat more cus u ate lesser in the day...i should go study now