...3guys

as much as i love my brothers and daddy...i cant stand living w 3 males in the house...i get annoyed by thier habits...they cant read ppl...they r dirty...messy and i often cleanup after them...i dont mind cleaning up, its just....dont noe how to explain...ihateboys

shallow

i am shallow...i do judge ppl by their appearance. i put a lot of emphasis on how i look....i have double standards...what i consider reasonable body size for others is not enough for me...i want more than reasonable, i'm so scared to loose my body size...
y?...y do i care so much abt how i look?...because i know ppl do judge others by appearance...i;m don't want ppl to think negative of me?...i want them to be jealous of me?...
my shallowness is holding me back...i compare myself to everyone, i just pissed off myself when i do not look as good as others...i get happy when ppl notice my hardwk("yr arms r so muscular, nice!")-isthisbadisthisbad?(most ppl will be happy too?)

i just wish i was not so shallow...if i would just stop worring abt how i look..

facebk

...so, just viewed pictures of ppl i know fr sch and have not met in a long time...nnn they look thinner+pretty+happy+fun+social life...notfair...

inception

just saw inception w my elder bro...like BEST MOVIE EVERRR!...)u have to follow the story as it goes or the movie make zero sense)...awesome stuff...

my thoughts this morning...

y do i have to feel so guilty to ask to go to the supermarket??....i am not doing anythong wrong rite?icant wait to learn how to driveso i can go w/0 all the annoying feelings...


i should just die i hate causing my daddy so much burden...cant think of any reason y daddy will like if notthat i am his daughter...i don't bring joy to anoe in my family...i should just leave...

i think that on a day to day basis, daddy will be alot more joyful w/o me, mayb i should not live w my family...i feel i'm not 100% me...i'm either a bloody annoying spoilt paranoid ass or i'm super cautious abt my movements and what i say n how i come across...or maybe i just really am a v paranoid spoilt self centred loser.

appointment yesterday

i was "glad" that daddy could not make it to the appointment...y?, cus i dropped weight, a small amt, but i do not want to worry daddy, make him upset, increase his burden...i told him weight stayed the same, he has so much on his plate i CANNOT allow me to make things worse...

thing is, i cant see myself any larger...the last time at my higher weight, i was so depressed+upset+pissed n all, cried all the time, hated how i look, it was such horrible horrible feelings i do not want to xperience again...

during the appointment , there was a trainee doc w the psychiatrist, and doc made him tell me cons of amenorrhoea....which i have heard like a zillion timesss..........but it does not worry me i dont know y....most times i dont want my period back as periods make me fel uncomfortable and too self concious...

dinner just, appointment 2morrow

so dinner just... bad experience w daddy...i just feel terrible...he also said i dont think u have made any improvement, well, i dont get him. my mhw has been met, why does he keep wanting me to gain and gain and gain...

again worried 4 2morrow's weighin...lame worries: sch ends at 9am(8-9)(dont want to go cus sch is like 1 hour away-but cant cus my attendence is pretty bad(never absent, just late enuff to be marked absent-fussy teacher!)and i dont want to be barred fr exams), so i should come home 1st b4 going 4 appointment at 2.30. BUT that means more walking=lower weigh in?...so stay in sch till like 2 den go straight for appointment(but sch has nothing to do, i hate hanging around in sch)...den lunch packed, eaten at sch?but that means after eating i need travel to hospital so weight will be lower, so eat at hospital so food is still in me=higher weight?...

...i am blanking everything out ...avoidingavoidingavoiding...

...am a freaking disappointment burdensome selfcentred crap shit