on30june...

...only highlighting the ++++...so at dinner daddy asked every1 to share gd points abt me. i kept thinking everyone had nothing to say and will b force to say some lame stuff. i really dont think i am a gd person at all. i am selfish lay self centred annoying spoilt rude. but they all didi say some stuff and i was kinda touched, even my youngest bro said some stuff and i appreciate it...in the end the day ended v, well....

dinner 2morrow

so, tomorrow i turn 18.NOT READY DONOTWANT 2 GROW UP YET...

daddy asked if i wanted to go out for dinner. my mind:nonononononono i just wanna eat at home i dont know what is in the food outside!... what i said:ok sure grt....he was trying to be nice. and now i am freaking out...

exercise

i am constantly having these anxious+stress+worry+fustrated feeling in my head. and i cant pinpoint it down to what exactly. i can talk laugh have conversation w others but somethin is constantly there at the back of my mind...

this no exercise restriction daddy placed on me is also driving me insane. truth, i lied and exercised this wk. but school reopens tomorrow n it is almost impossible to access the gym w/o my dad's knowledge. i honestly think that if i openly defy him and go to the gym and will personally drag me out of the gym. my thought is that he is no doctor so why should he decide if i can go to the gym?...and when i go to the gym, i ONLY do weights, i never touch cardio. its not that i want to lose weight, but i want not to be flabby. daddy thinks i exercise to be skinny.NONONNO!,

i also realised how exercise make me feel much more ready for the day. more energy, happier, liviler. i was moody, annoying(more than usual) and constantly thought of exercising. and i do think that stpping me fr exercising will cause me to lose more weight. i dont want to lose my muscles!!...

daddy says i am a exercise addict. i denied. i do not overexercise. (3x weights a wk+<30 mins of some form of cardio a wk)...

...at times, i feel like watever, no exercise then so be it. but then i think, y should i listen,he does not know a think. he keeps equating exerising = weight lost. and that is y i want to see the doc asap. a 1st!, sonce i more often delay and reschedule appointment. i konw i have lost a small amy of weight, but i know doc would allow me some exercise sinnce it is just a little below goal weight.

i hit 47kg which was bmi 18.6= normal and daddy did not let me eercise still and that pissed me big time. doc's goal weight 47.6...why daddy why?...

ok, clearly no exercise is freaking me out.... i want to scream,

older

...when i read older women w anorexia blogs, sometimes it freaks me out a little. its like its so sad that they r consumed by ed. i'm scared to end up like that. that would suck BIG TIME. now that u r young, u think its ok, i will get over it i will fight this blah blah blah...but day to day there is not much improvement. or u recover far enough to function normally, but some lingering traits of ed still held on to...

imagine in yr 30s, 40s, 50s, 60 s... and u look back on yr life, how much time was spend on thinking abt food, exercising, unsociallising, hermitted. cant let this happen cant.

...see, i say i cant let this happen, but how do it?, will i after thinking abt this be able to eat dinner freely?, not measuring my food?, i doubt so, i am 90% certain nothing will change tonight. not bothering and eating would cause too much anxiety which i would thinki would rather avoid than go though w it.

not fair!

i am so upset!...
my bmi is now 18.6, normal, BUT daddy wont let me go to the gym!...i am so angry he wants me to hit 48 but its not fair its not fair, my weight in normal what is the problem now. i am so vvvvvv angry!

dinner

last night: family gathering at a chinese restaurant. daddy sat next to me. i ate deep fried battered prawn, scallops w fried crispy garlic*3, vegs and shrooms drenched in oily sauces, shark fin soup, thick sauce abalone, sesame oil drenched jellyfish. HATED it. when to the ladies and body checked. tried to estimate kcals( assumed dinner was 1000kcals). ate night snack( contemplated 4ever if i should skip this.
how i felt: gonna gain gonna gain, my thighs are already like so freaking huge!.

my coffee

i think i just realise that exercise is like coffee. i absolutely cannot do anything esle w/o it. i have been so upppset over not being allowed to exercise that i cant even be bothered to eat. but i do eat because i need to gain 1kg and if i dont means a longer period w/o exercise and i cannot allow that i am losing it ...