to gain

gaining back lost weight....

pros:

1. daddy happy, less worried/burden
2. less anxious to c doctor
3. period???

cons

1. decreased self confidence
2. constant focus on how fat i am
3. hate myself feel like crap random crying
4. increase anti socialness
5. clothes(jeans) dont fit...
6. ppl's comments???
7. no period (dont noe if i want it...)

...honestly i feel alot more confident+better abt myself at this size than when i was at 49kg which i felt like carop all the time and cried and cried and was unable to concentrate on anything at all....this is shit i still have to gain anyway...

i hate my life....

...i love my dad, but some times i just want to punch him in the face....its like he says certain stuff on purpose to mkae things difficult for me...like how do i ans that?....like we were eating dinner in fron tof the tv and it was a reality show abt buffet places, and they were showing some dessert buffet...and daddy says out loudly that "jam will never enjoy all these food like normal ppl" and then ask me the address of this buffet place so that he can take my younger bro there on mon....its like he is spite-ting me...i wanted to say: yep, i wont ever enjoy those desserts because i know how harmful they are to my health and i cant eat them w/o think abt all the related diseases. i am happy that my tastebuds veer towards healthier foods. now can u stop w those comments??...

....bye gor, cu soon

my elder bro flew off this morning to the states...he'll graduate end of the yr....i could not ask for a better elder brother...he loves me and help me w sch /computer basically anything i need help w...ok, so i do get annoyed by guy habits like always taking a new cup instead of just washing yr own cup....butbut these all r so minute things compared to wat a horrible sister i am....

sometimes i wonder if he feels pressured to be "good"...because he is quite sacrificial and would make decisions that benefit others....i just want the best for him...i want my brother to be happy and never be burden by family matters...he totally deserve to be happy....and feel loved...yup, i jus realise that my brother may not feel loved, esp by me(who is so v self focused)...ok,mayb i should make an effort to show love n concern for him, mayb i should have thought of this when he was still here!....

....fun stuff:gor is v funny, introduced me to many awesome shows(office, criminal minds family guy...)see u on sykpe soon!!!...

class bbq

the good...i actually didi go for my class bbq...bad?, did not eat a thing, not even fruits...i already packed my dinner, i was prepared to not eat bbq foods, i knew all the food was drenched in butter and i could never bring myself to eat it or if i ate it i would find te following hours/days unbearable and unable to focus on the n0w...i did not feel bad or like my eatinghabits was in the way as i knew i still eating my dinner, this dinner was ok and hence i was able to have fun w the ppl there...

seee.....this is where the problem is, was my actions rite or wrong?...i couldn't eat butterfied food but i knew this was goig to happen and brought dinner...i didi not isolate myself, went n participated...sooooooo, its like i think i am ok w this but like if daddy knew this he would b upset and say i have a prob...wonder wat my psychiatrist would say( though no chance i would tell her...dont trust her enough)

i feel like i have done nothing wrong but still someow made to feel guilty cus i was anorexic...idontknow...my probs r so "fluff", not really real...idont know

eating in class...

i think eating has become too "important" in my life, it seems to be given priority over so many other stuff in my life that deserve more attention...like lessons runs fr 12-4pm, classmates just eat lunch earlier or no lunch and just snack around...me, cant have lucnh eaarlier cus snack around 11am, eats lunch during lesson---dont really like this cus i cant concentrate on te lesson, ppl r like hey what's that u're eating, food=smell in class....its so odd, teacher teaching and here i am eating luunch with fork and spoon...i hate it when i have activities and they clash w my eating times, annoying and frustrating...

...i dont dare to skip a meal now, but its cus i think i my metabolism will slow down and dat = fat so i refuse to miss a meal,...but this can really get in the way of life, cant always have time to eat properly, esp in sch, its uncomfortable to eat 4/5 lunch everywk during class...it attracts unwanted attention....




i dont want to live like this forever yet i m afraid to let go...

i get that inception is an awesome movie, i liked it too...but ppl need to STOP HYPING IT !...