daddy banned me fr exercising and i am so angry and piseede and anxiousa and mad and sad andlossing my mind icant take it i cant take it i cant take it how am i going to live 2morrow, i will lose my mid i can teat thinbk i need exercise pissed

"heavy dinner"

last night, i had 2 saba fish fillet among other things for dinner. saba is a naturally oily fish. i have always loved oily fish. well, yesterday, i found the fish really oily and hard to stomach. but i ate all. then, i could not help myself, check the nutrition profile online, learned that the this fish alone was 500kcals. freaked. what!......i think: ate 500kcals + other stuff. omgomg...i wonder how many kcals was dinner. consequently, i could not focus on studying for my test this morning.

various thoughts that flooded my mind throughtout the night: all the food eaten that day, does it balance out?, should i skip night snack?, cut, cut cut!, i totally should not have eaten 2 fillets!, maybe i can exercise more 2morrow?...

then, i kept lifting mt shirt in front of the mirror, is my body ok?, i want to be lean!,

in the end, ate night snack, spilled some of it, was secretly happy. even threw in a bit of exercise, but also kept think no point as i'm not going to burn much anyway. (if only i knew how to puke, i can get rid of all my anxiety and go bACK TO FOCUSING MY MY STUDY)-(or do i really, do it once, u might do it twice...)

the thing is, i have always eaten saba, and well nothing really happened to me. i think i might be going backwards...
STUPID STUPID STUPID DUMB DUMB, these food thought are freaking annoying.

1.5 hours ago...

i came home fr the gym, my dad: i dont know what to do w u, i can see that u r losing weight, u r allowed to exercise on the count that you gain weight. it is ridiculous to wake up earlt to exercise when u sleep so late. u see the way u eat, u r isolating everyone fr u. have u got yr period back yet. why do u want to go against nature. it is against nature u know right.

Me: slience. In my mind: i'm sorry i'm sorry i dont want to burden u at all. its just, exersize keeps my anxiety at bay. if i dont exercise, i will feel so anxious i cant concentrate on doing anythinh esls. esp. nw, exam time. please do not thinki over exercise. i do not think it is wrong to wake up earlier to exercise. i dont even do any cardio, only weights. i havent got my period. please dont force me to stop.

i want to tell him how i felt but i always keep silent. i doubt my dad understands. we r on diff wavelengths. i think any form of exercise = bad for him. please understand. i know i need to eat more. i will i iwll

just right now.

if only i spent the time i cried studying...i so relatives came over at dinner time, i was unhappy cus ihave a test 2morrow and i wanted the house to b quiet. i did not need anxiety, food thoughts today. i had 2 fillts of oily snow fish + a crab claw + tomatoes. i felt unforably full. havent felt like that in forever. all i could think was if only i knew how to force puke, i can get rid of this food anxiety and concentrate studying. i still feel full, i am hating this. alot lots alotalot...i need to concntrate on studying, y o y do ppl visit me NOW of all times, no time to psych myself up 4 unsafe food amt social stuff.

i hate everything...

pisseddPISSEDDDDD off. angry. anhgry. self centred idiot. lonely selfish selfish controling madmad mad

society

i am affected by magazines, tvs, media etc. this embracing normal and plus sized model thing, it seems so insincere. if there is a fashion spread on normal or plus sized ppl like crystal reinn, everyone is like: oh she look damn gd; gorgeous etc. BUT would they themselve be willing to let themselves reach crystal reinn's figure?...i doubt so...they say she's lookin great but deeep down, they wont let themselves become as "plump".

so, ultimately, society still like skinny better. boo

liar

i lied.
family gathering. looked at the food, thinks: why is everything so oily. i cant eat anything here. if i eat, i will breakdown. i wont be able to concentrate on my studies later. skipskipskip.what i did: took a playe, took a bit of food to make it look as if i have eaten. walk to the living room w the plate say: i've eaten already when asked to eat more. told dad i had to go home to study.

home: hungry, ate food. study, night snack. sleep


i really cant handle outside food.