now...

...i'm in a stagnant position, not regression or progressing, personally dont really care, feel like i can live my life like this n m comforatable, but again this pisses off ma dad n i cant b selfish can i?...

weight gaindoes not mean period will return, ...y does my dad keep "forcing me to gain" ...telling him i am 47 is not good forhim "u need to gain" yyy???...47 is in the normal range...i hate his comments i dont want to be around him i know he loves me so much l hate to dissapoint him he does not understand its all my fault iwan to runawaymaybe i should just not care anymore and getting fat then daddy will be happy idont knoe any more runrunrun

less snacking fr now on

...i have quit most snacks...they take up too much time and only makes me not hungry for meals...so i m trying to eat larger meals and this is not too bad but i noe dat the totoal kcals is still less than w snacks...w exams n everything going on going w/o snakcs saves me alot of time and i m less likely to delay meals or panic when i wake up late and become unable to fit in my snack...fact is, metabolism does not slow down nor yr body will start eating yr muscle if u fail to eat every 3-4 hours...since realising this, i feel that is will defo help me in terms of eating in scool. i am also so particular abt eating evey 3 hrs and sometimes this makes mealtimes clash w lesson times and i carry my lunch and eat in class and this kinda sucks cus ppl always ask wat is dat u r eating plus i feel self concious plus the smell+ eating n doing work like math is annoying....so now i think i can just eat during breaks even if its been less or more than 3 hours since my last meal
as long as i m getting my kcals, there should be no problemo...

wat i ate yesterday:
10 eggwhites
5 sashimi
diet hot cocoa
3 diabetic cookies
soy milk and protein powder
a tablespoon almond butter
a tablespoon avocado
5 almonds
and threw away my plate of fried noodles and deep fried battered fish at the gathering...i wanted b able to eat at the gathering...so i thought if i eat less in the day i could allow myself to eat at the gathering w/o freaking out...but despite so, i could not bring myself to eat the catered food...i am realising that as long as yr macros for the day r ok, it does not really matter if the food is clean or "dirty"...carb is carb weather white or brown...i'm trying to rid of this clean dirty food thing since i know it does not affect my body composition( not talking abt health here) ...

2 more papers to go...
...out the whole day tomorrow w family and relatives...anxious abt the food big time...thinking abt eating less today?....now eating full breakfast...

normal vs healthy

recovery = healthy or normal?
because
normal ≠ healthy ...
and...
what is the baseline for normal?

counting...

starting to calorie count so that i know that i am eating enough + some to gain weight...i dont really like this cus it takes up alot of time and i have exams coming up..never really count usually as 1)dont really want to know scared to really know how much i;m eating. same reason i refuse to have a proper food journal 2) like adding the cals for stuff like soy sauce garlic and such stuff like really made me annoyed like y is there cals in everything!!!!!.............

...life is so crap at the moment